Al Batt: A diet plan of sleeping until lunch

Published 9:30 am Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

I’ve lost weight by giving up eating breakfast.

How did you do that?

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I sleep until lunch.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: you can tell a lot about people by not keeping secrets.

The cafe chronicles

He ate food without fear, claiming to be an undiscovered genius. He complained that his second order of goulash tasted like wood. He professed to be so old that on his last birthday they gave him two cakes to provide room for all the candles. He was waiting for his long-suffering wife Elizabeth. The Beth was yet to come.

My wife and I were enjoying a meal at the Chilkat Restaurant & Bakery in Haines, Alaska. As we waited for our food, we employed annoyance technology. Those at other tables also checked their cellphones for good news, bad news, and none of our business news.

The lady behind us was busy texting and calling. She might have been a little louder than necessary — we all are. She laughed at a text. Someone meant to tell her to enjoy her vacation, but it came out as “enjoy your bacon.” Perhaps the sender was eating breakfast when he sent it. It was an appropriate text to send to someone in an eatery featuring breakfasts and BLTs.

Her husband called the woman Georgie. My sister Georgie had died two weeks earlier. The woman told me that her real name was Georgianna and she was named after her father, George. My sister’s real name was Georgianna and she was named after our father, George.

Why men seem stupid at times

I admit to walking to the end of our driveway to get a good look at an approaching tornado. I’m not the only man who does such goofy things. A woman asked why men tempt the fates. I told her that we want to see what is going to get us. Men believe that when they get out of this life’s canoe, the first thing St. Peter will say is, “If you want to enter Heaven, you need to tell me what it was that got you?” If we can’t answer that, the questions get harder.

Splitting firewood and axe handles

I was splitting firewood with an axe. It wasn’t an unpleasant task. My nephew Keith, a teenager at the time, offered to help. I gladly accepted because I knew that wood burns fastest when you chop it alone. I gave Keith some tips to make splitting simple. He smiled, grabbed the axe, and swung it in every way except the one I’d advised. He didn’t split any firewood that day, but he broke my new axe handle on the first swing. Sometimes, you can’t afford free help.

Happily married

I noticed that Harold Williams of Waverly, Alabama, had a bandage on his head. I asked him what had caused his injury. He said that his wife Ailene had told him to shut up. He thought she’d told him to stand up and bumped his head in the process.

Alaska accounts

I was driving a rented Mazda Tribute in Haines, Alaska, where a recent earthquake had knocked satellite TV dishes out of alignment, when I noticed that some ambitious and mischievous youth had painted over the “u” on a “BUS STOP” sign, converting it into a BS STOP.

Charlotte Olerud of Haines hired a high school student to work in her store. He was a great worker. Then, suddenly, he did no work. He’d become the owner of a smartphone.

Did you know?

According to a report from about 50 percent of Americans carry $20 or less, including nine percent who carry no cash at all. Only seven percent carry more than $100.

Horripilation is the bristling of the hair on the skin from cold or fear. It’s goose flesh.

A 6-foot-4-inch Holstein from Illinois has been named the tallest cow in the world.