Duct tapeworms concern St. Menard’s Hardware

Published 11:42 am Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

“I can’t wait until the weekend gets here.”

“Do you have big plans?”

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“Yeah, to make it to Monday.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: if you like where you’re at, you ought to appreciate the road that brought you there.

I’ve learned

1. You’re getting older if it feels good to stop, no matter what you’re doing.

2. Whenever my wife asks, “What do you think?” I think I should have been listening.

3. To brag about those you love and make sure they overhear you.

The news from Hartland

Hartland Air & Space Museum found to be completely empty.

Truck carrying boxes of contact lenses overturns on highway. The search for lost contacts continues into its third week.

Duct tapeworms concern St. Menard’s Hardware.

The secret to a long marriage

The woman smiled at me and said, “I’m doing great, just in case you ask.” Then with a nod toward her husband, she added, “We’ve been married 60 years.”

“Nice going,” I responded. “What’s your secret?”

“I never throw anything away.”

Cafe chronicles

I saw gravy spots before my eyes as I headed for the table of infinite knowledge where geezers were gabbing. The guys had young ideas, but their hearts belonged to dodder. They were still playing with a full deck, just shuffling slower while trying to be nostalgic, but not always remembering. The men wouldn’t recognize a single photo in People magazine and they gained weight just looking at pie. I felt at home.

Did you know?

According to The Pew Forum’s US Religious Landscape Survey 71 percent have a strong belief in God, 17 percent are fairly certain there is a God, and 4 percent believe there is a possibility God exists. About 58 percent pray daily.

According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control, 51.7 percent of American households don’t regularly use a landline phone. The majority of those (35.8 percent) don’t have a landline and another 15.9 percent don’t often use one.

A group of baboons is called a congress.

An American Kennel Club survey showed that over 70 percent of American dog owners gave their pets Christmas gifts.

The Wall Street Journal reported that 40 percent of a basic cable bill goes towards sports programming.

About 6 percent of people keep their Christmas lights up more than six months.

The Smithsonian Institution houses the puffy shirt worn by Jerry Seinfeld in his TV series. It’s enshrined next to Mr. Rogers’ sweater.

The average Iowa farmland value is estimated to be $8,296 per acre according the Iowa Land Value Survey.

Customer comments

Jessica Hollerich of Amboy told me that she’d scolded her 3-year-old daughter Isabel for repeatedly jumping off a chair and told her not to do it again. Isabel replied, “I’m going to jump off the chair one more time. Pretend you don’t see me.”

Rodney Hatle of Owatonna sent this quote from Sam Levenson, “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.”

Al Weisert walked by as I manned the Salvation Army kettle at the Albert Lea Hy-Vee store. He was carrying a mop. I asked, “Spill?” He replied, “I like to get it before it spills.” That’s being proactive.

I asked Bryan Willmert of Albert Lea how the van he was driving got a broken back window. He told me that a coworker believed in the old saying, “Keep backing up until you hit something solid.”

Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario said that the chances of hitting a deer while driving are much higher than while walking.

Nature notes

“Am I seeing a golden eagle or young bald eagle on the lake?” Golden eagles are not great fish eaters, so you’re not likely to see one swooping low over a lake, resting on the ice, or standing on a sand bar in a river. Golden eagles have feathered legs. Young goldens often have white patches under the wings and at the base of the tail, but lack the white mottling of a young bald eagle’s body.

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked her how cows could eat so much.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “It’s the way we’re built. Haven’t you ever heard of graze anatomy?”

Meeting adjourned

Roger Batt of Algona sent me this Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.”