Archived Story

Even Noah didn’t have matching socks

Published 2:33pm Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

“I was kicked in the head by a snake.”

“How could a snake kick you in the head?”

“Two of his friends held me down.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: a temper is too valuable to lose.

I’ve learned

1. Sports teach teamwork, but so does moving a sofa.

2. I don’t care about the pattern on a paper towel.

3. I maintain a landline to help me find my cellphone.

The news from Hartland

Man, leaving paint store, hit with fur coats.

Grandfather clock for sale — complete with black socks and sandals.

The Pall Mall opens for smokers.

Cafe chronicles

The cafe was situated on a one-way street. It ran north one day and south the next. The Heimlich maneuver was printed on a menu that advised getting a tetanus shot after using the silverware. The day’s special was a clean plate. The coffee pot was on and trouble was brewing. Paul Cyr of New Richland says that all coffee should be made strong. If it’s too strong, water can be added, but if it’s too weak, all a person can do is to gripe. I was at the top of the food chain, so I ordered a piece of pie. I considered getting dessert with it, but did not. One year, my mother made me a birthday pie — cherry. I love cherry pie. Mom made a birthday cake, too. What’s the point of being a great cook if you don’t cook? The cake was for everyone. The cherry pie was for me.

Here in Hartland

Hartland isn’t small. It has a population of 315. You stuff 315 people into your house and tell me that’s not a lot of people. The vicious rumor that Hartland is small was started by 8,244,910 residents of New York City. Envy is a terrible thing. The Hartland post office has a large mail route that sometimes leaves our dependable rural carrier, Bradley Spooner, exhausted. It wasn’t due to a spike in jack-in-the-mailbox incidents. It was because the mail order brides had come in. It’s hard work stuffing them into mailboxes.

Six-layered Claire

I traveled from Red Deer, Alberta to Harlingen, Texas to Haines, Alaska. I flew to the cities and then traveled by car while there. Driving in the south is no problem for someone who drives in the north. Claire Floyd moved from Louisiana to take a job with the American Bald Eagle Foundation in Haines. She thought that the electrical plugs hanging from the grills of cars meant that the cars were electric-powered. She’d had no experience with engine block heaters. She survives Alaska weather by wearing six layers of clothes at all times.

Did you know?

According to Men’s Health magazine, the worst food in America is Outback Steakhouse’s Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing.

A survey of adults found that 49 percent are unable to complete the line, “O Romeo, Romeo …” from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet with the correct answer, “wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Noah had two of everything on the Ark, except matching socks.

Lost and found

Larry and LK Stevenson of Cedar Point, Texas were birding when nature called LK. She and her husband spotted a small building that looked like an outhouse. The small building was some distance away, so LK hiked towards it while Larry continued to look for birds. Considerable time passed, Larry began to wonder about the whereabouts of his wife. He walked to the suspected outhouse and discovered it was a mere pretender. Larry hoofed it to their car to see if LK might have been waiting there. She wasn’t and the car was gone. Larry fell into a panic. He’d lost both his wife and his car. Just as he was about to contact the police, his wife drove up. Discovering that the outhouse wasn’t one, she’d walked to the car and driven to the nearest building containing a restroom. It was a hotel. She pretended to be a guest. She didn’t need to pretend that it was an emergency.

Nature notes

“What makes a good Christmas stocking stuffer for a birder?” A birding group membership. State park sticker. Duck stamp. Field guide. Gloves. Warm socks. Hand warmers. Ice cleats. Travel packs of tissues.

“What is our largest owl?” A great horned owl is 22-inches long and weighs 3.1 pounds, a snowy owl is 23-inches long and weighs 4 pounds, and a great gray owl is 27-inches long and weighs 2.4 pounds.

Meeting adjourned

Treat another’s dreams kindly.


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