Al Batt: Minnsplaining for the state

Published 5:18 pm Tuesday, March 12, 2024

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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

What did you do yesterday?

I spent the whole day watching TV in my pajamas.

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I didn’t know they made pajamas with a TV in them.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I enjoy watching baseball. I like the leisurely pace, and I don’t need to be entertained every second. I went to a World Series game once. The place was packed, and a woman waving a homer hankie snapped me sharply in the ear. I wouldn’t have seen much of the game if the fellow standing in front of me hadn’t had a pierced ear.

Baseball caps are a poor man’s toupee. If you buy enough things, sooner or later, someone gives you a cap—a gimme cap. A friend buys them at thrift stores. A thrift store is a time machine that smells like Grandma’s house, where you can buy bowling trophies and a nice shirt for church with the name “Herb” stitched above its pocket. I stop at thrift stores because I like books and hope something good pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

A friend accused

me of Minnsplaining

After I told him I’d rather hypnotize chickens than golf. All I needed to do was hold the chicken’s head down against the ground and draw a straight line using a stick or my finger, starting at the beak and extending straight outward in front of the chicken. If done correctly, the chicken was put into a trance and remained still. To de-hypnotize the chicken, I gave it a gentle push. Other methods included swirling a finger in a circle around the bird’s head or tucking its head underneath its wing. Ernest Hemingway mentioned the latter method in his book, “The Dangerous Summer,” comparing it to the hypnotic effect of a bullfighter’s cape. The parlor trick did neither the chicken nor I any good, so I’ve stopped hypnotizing chickens. I failed the hen trance exam.

A courteous act

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of a woman who was headed to the same entrance as I was, so I grabbed the door and held it open for her. No woman appeared to take advantage of my benevolence. I turned to see she was rushing to the door. I had misjudged her pace or her distance from the door. Instead of helping, I made her hurry. I apologized in the way of my people by saying, “Oops!”

I’ve learned

Any flying object is a UFO if you can’t identify it.

Standing on the shore of Lake Superior makes me feel insignificant. One more drip

made little difference there.

A baby’s first Christmas always comes before its first birthday.

Few people die in a cemetery.

Tuesday is equally as far away from Friday as Monday is.

A toaster that toasts too well is broken.

The roof of my house isn’t the greatest, but it’s up there.

People pay to make their cars quieter and louder.

Bad jokes department

Why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees? It’s because they’re very good at it.

What makes us human? Selecting all images containing traffic lights.

I fancied a girl in college who knew only four vowels. She never knew I existed.

I gave my wife a glue-stick instead of her Chapstick. It was an accident, but she’s still not talking to me.

Does anyone else forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just Me?

A man walked into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo competition.

Nature notes

Why does a squirrel eat only the white tip of a kernel of corn? It’s fussy. Squirrels eat only the nutrient-dense heart or germ of a kernel of corn, casting aside the rest for other hungry creatures. The germ has a moderate concentration of lipids (oils and fat) and a variety of proteins that are used during seedling growth. The rest of the kernel is mostly starch, which the squirrel either doesn’t need or want.

A quill is the hollow stem of a bird’s feather used as a writing instrument. Goose feathers were the principal source of quills, but quill pens were also made from the feathers of swans, crows, eagles, owls, hawks and turkeys. The best feathers for making a quill are the first five flight feathers (primaries). Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States, was a prolific writer who raised geese at Monticello to supply feathers for his quill pens.

Meeting adjourned

Repay kindness with kindness. You could never go wrong sending a thank you note.