Al Batt: No Christmas card for meteorologist

Published 8:37 pm Tuesday, January 17, 2023

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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

My family is going to Lake Louise and Banff this year, but I’m not going.

Why not?

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I don’t know how to Banff.

Driving by

Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. The trees were frosted and there was another dense fog advisory. I might not send the meteorologist a Christmas card next year. I read books to clear the dense fog from my mind. When I was in grade school (4th grade was the best four years of my life), the bookmobile visited every couple of weeks. It met me close to where I was. I needed to travel 3.5 miles to the primary street in town. My teachers encouraged the use of the bookmobile. I borrowed books by the bushel. That bookmobile showed me books were for everyone. I haven’t forgotten that.

I purchased a sandwich for nourishment. I asked for a 6-foot sub. Basketball was on my mind. Fortunately, I didn’t get what I ordered. I’d left upholstered surfaces to watch a basketball game from hard seats. My granddaughter Joey teaches kindergarten and is an accomplished basketball player. Her kindergarten class came to one of her college games. Joey signed posters, shirts and arms. I couldn’t tell who was the happiest to see the other—the kids or their teacher.

During a winter at its glacial worst, my wife dressed our Chihuahua in a red sweater. As soon as the sweater was in place, the tiny dog tried to get smaller. His life had lost meaning. Warmth wasn’t important to him until he got cold. I saw similar behavior from humans when I rang the bells on frigid days. Shorts weren’t uncommon.

The scene was a classroom when rocks were soft

I found this pen. Is it yours?

Let me try writing with it. Yep, it’s my pen.

How do you know?

That’s my handwriting.

I’ve learned

I used to know many more people named Gary than I do now.

Supermarket samples always taste good.

No one is normal but me and I’m goofy.

To shock the world by ending sentences with prepositions. Common prepositions are: above, across, against, along, among, around, at, before, behind, below, beneath, beside(s), between, by, down, from, in, into, near, of, off, on, to, toward, under, upon, with and within. You can say, “Never underestimate the power of an elected idiot to do something I don’t agree with.” It’s legal. Winston Churchill is credited for a response to criticism for ending a sentence with a preposition, but Churchill didn’t say, “This is the type of errant pedantry up with which I will not put.”

My wife taught me anyone can find anything if they look in the right place.

Ask Al

“My grandparents got me up early in the morning so I could chop wood for breakfast. Did you ever have to do that?” No, I never had to eat wood for breakfast.

“Could you name the Seven Dwarfs?” I could, but there’s no need to. They have names.

“What was the first call Alexander Graham Bell received?” It was from someone telling him his vehicle’s warranty had expired.

Bad jokes department

I watched a documentary on making pickles. It was jarring.

What happens when you throw a blue rock into the Red Sea? It gets wet.

Déjà vu is nonsense. I’ve said that before.

It’s always cloudy when I finish the cheese because “ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.”

I got an email on how to read maps backward. It was spam.

What actor is always ready for cereal? Reese Witherspoon.

Nature notes

Freezing fog has been spending time in my company. The super-cooled liquid droplets freeze on contact with trees and other exposed objects. The result is a beautiful display of rime ice on trees. It’s denser and harder than hoarfrost. Hoarfrost develops on clear calm nights. You could think of hoarfrost as the frozen equivalent of dew. Go ahead, no one is stopping you.

If you missed “Birding With Batt” on the airwaves this week, you can hear it any time you like via the free KMSU radio streaming app. The app is available for Apple and Android devices, allowing you to livestream 89.7 the Maverick, find playlists and listen to shows on-demand.

A feeder of birds said, “Stupid birds don’t know enough to go south for the winter.” My smile might have been too wide. “I know,” he said. “They’re no smarter than I am.”

Meeting adjourned

“When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.”—Abraham Joshua Heschel.