Al Batt: Salmonella is not a young salmon

Published 5:57 pm Tuesday, November 2, 2021

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting 

I remember everything that happened when I was four years old as if it were yesterday.

What happened yesterday?

I don’t remember.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. “Que pasa, calabaza? What’s up, pumpkin?” My wife either pretended to be asleep or comatose. I’d slept well. Why not? I’ve been practicing for years. I think it was due to the memory of the night’s moonglade, which is the bright reflection of moonlight on a body of water.

Here’s a fun fact: bears don’t need fishing licenses

Everything was copacetic. The complimentary breakfast at the hotel had some nice things to say. It was early, it was cold and it was beautiful. I headed to the river. I was in Alaska on a winter’s day and I was in the company of a fellow who thought salmonella was a young salmon. I’d bought a used book from the local library. It was “Hamlet.” I read a bit while watching a brown bear catch salmon and practicing social distancing. I was Shakespeare in the parka.

A box of quackers

One day, I bought a crate of ducks at an auction barn. I told my bride I’d bought a box of quackers. That wasn’t true. They were muscovy ducks with warty faces. Most domestic ducks descend from the mallard, but not the muscovy. They are good fliers and make sounds like a hiss, croak, coo, squeak, trill, puff and a lame quack. When they try to make a proper quack, their faces turn red.

I’ve learned

I have too many facts to have many strong opinions.

All-purpose flour lies.

If raccoons were rich, trash would be delivered.

Current events have never been so current.

Bad joke department

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a fox? A fox.

Here’s a sloth joke for you. Knock.

What’s small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.

On which side does a zebra have the most stripes? The outside.

Ask Al

“Why did the old gas stations lock their restroom doors?” To keep people from breaking in and cleaning them.

“What is the purpose of lefse?” It acts as bread, dessert and napkin. It helps get the taste of lutefisk out of a mouth.

“What did we have before 911?” Lassie.

“Why do men insist on wearing ancient underwear?” Because the spent elastic makes us feel as if we’re losing weight.

In local news

Wienermobile’s check mustard light comes on.

Bakery has a sale on seconds because we all bake mistakes.

Meteorologist finds the weather is hard on his sciences.

Ice cream shop’s flavor of the month is rattlesnake. No need to hurry there.

Customer comments

Paul Anderson of Albert Lea introduced me this way, “I knew his brother Donald. Donald was normal.”

Dale Halgren of New Richland wonders what happened to all those people he’d given directions to over the years.

David Kemp of Atlanta talked about a CEO when he said, “He has two blind spots. He doesn’t understand his customers or his employees.”

A pastor at Good Earth Village told me the good thing about being an interim pastor is the church would be better off after you leave—one way or another.

Bob Donovan of Albert Lea bought candy right before Halloween because he’d eaten all he’d purchased earlier.

Nature notes

I watched robins feed in a hawthorn tree. I realized a robin has a great sense of humor. It enjoys a good haw. Woodpeckers also sampled the haws. A hairy woodpecker visited the suet. It hammered away. “Give ‘em hell, Hairy,” I said. “Give ‘em hell, Harry” was a play and film based on Harry Truman. How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker would peck wood? I’ve been hearing from homeowners with cedar shakes who are learning the answer to that question. Male house finches give the yard’s feeders a rosy outlook. A lovely singer, the house finch was once sold in the illegal pet trade as a Hollywood finch. I’m not sure if blue jays will work for peanuts, but they will fly in and vocalize for peanuts. A single white-crowned sparrow, with racing stripes on its noggin, fed below the feeders with the rusty-looking fox sparrows. The sight of br’er fox sparrow caused me to say, “The quick brown fox sparrow jumps over the lazy dog.” It’s a pangram—a sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet.

Meeting adjourned

“What if, today, we are grateful for everything?”—Charlie Brown. What if, today, we are kind to everyone?