Al Batt: A deer bound for branch manager

Published 5:29 pm Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

I opened the shed door and there was a skunk.

I’ll bet that gave you a start.

I ran away so fast I didn’t need one.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I saw a deer on my way to work. Don’t ask me how I knew it was on its way to work. When I was a boy, I thought an onion was the only vegetable capable of making me cry. Then I got hit in the ear by a piece of potato fired from a potato gun. I listened to a man tell me each roundabout was a circle of hell. He pruned a tree once so he could put branch manager on his resume. I put on a brown beret once and pretended to be an acorn so I could put nut on my resume.

A peach of a hamburger

I was hungry and I was thirsty, so I ate a juicy peach. It was delicious. I was grateful. Few things can let you down like a peach. One that looks sweet and juicy, but turns out to be woody and tasteless is soul-crushing.

We love burgers and burger stories. Lynn Canal American Legion Post is in Haines, Alaska, at the northern end of the Lynn Canal. At 80 miles, it’s the longest fjord in North America. They have regular burger feeds that my wife and I try not to miss when we’re there. They canceled the most recent one because of a Covid outbreak in that beautiful part of the world.

Lawn Love ranked 197 large cities according to the number of highly rated establishments. The best cities for burger fans are in descending order: Washington, D.C., San Francisco, Pasadena, Chicago and San Diego. Des Moines was number 60, Minneapolis 71 and St. Paul 179. The bottom five in descending order: Worcester, Massachusetts; Clarksville, Tennessee; Sioux Falls; Laredo, Texas; and Midland, Texas. Full ranking and analysis can be found at https://lawnlove.com/blog/best-cities-burger-fans/

Twofers

My uncle gave me two haircuts for the price of one. He cut it twice as short as he normally did.

I met a Chiweenie. I’d never heard of a Chihuahua/Dachshund cross. The designer dog was an energetic little rascal. Dogs are lost in the moment. A Chiweenie is two dogs for the price of one.

The late Marty Martin of Waseca had a big-screen TV at each end of his sofa. That way, no matter which way he flopped down on the sofa, he could watch TV.

Customer comments

Charles Johnsrud of Clarks Grove told me that his grandmother lived to be 104. At that age, she liked older men, but couldn’t find any. He asked her how she’d managed to reach 104. She didn’t know because it had happened so fast.

Joel Penny of Kiester said he used to attend farm shows like Farming of Yesteryear to learn from his elders. Now he can’t find any.

I visited with Father Eugene Stenzel of Wells. We talked of nighttime leg cramps that bother us. Someone had told him to unwrap a bar of Irish Spring Soap and place it under the bottom sheet where his legs rest. When it stops working, replace it or score the bar to release scent. I might try that. We’ll see.

Bad joke department

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Try this. Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add 12. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes. Dark, isn’t it?

I was eating a hot dog with mustard when I had Dijon-vu, the feeling I’d used that condiment before.

I was drinking hot tea in my slippers when I thought, “I’ve got to get a mug.”

You go in one hole and come out three holes. Once you’re inside you’re ready to go outside, but once you’re outside you’re inside. What is it? A sweater.

How did Jack communicate with vegetables? Jack and the beans talk.

What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.

How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much—it’s pretty light.

What rhymes with orange? No, it doesn’t.

Nature notes

Yellowjackets cannot be trusted at this time of the year. Expect little waspitality from them. Goldenrod galls become noticeable and lady beetles gather. Fallen black walnuts can stain clothes and hands. Milkweed seeds travel on the wind, floating on natural parachutes. Insect-eating birds leave first. Waterfowl, shorebirds and seed eaters migrate now.

Meeting adjourned

Believe in yourself, stop blaming others and you’ll find it easy to be kind to the unkind.