Al Batt: There are no empty toothpaste tubes

Published 6:30 am Wednesday, July 28, 2021

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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

I want to be a multi-millionaire like my father.

Your father is a multi-millionaire?

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No, but he wants to be one.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I thought about “Waiting for Godot” several times recently. The thoughts were inspired by roadwork being done by MnDOT and Iowa DOT. As I waited for heavy equipment to move, I pulled my wallet out and shifted pieces to their correct positions. One of those pieces was my driver’s license. Do you have a driver license or a driver’s license? What did the police officer call it when he pulled you over? Minnesota has driver’s licenses and Iowa has driver licenses.

I’d come from the annual meeting of The Association of People Who Don’t Eat Chocolate. We met in a smart car. My wife and I went to a church after that. The enjoyable meal there included cake. I’m a pie guy, but won’t turn down cake. Mostly chocolate cake was available, but there was a piece of cake I’d eat. I grabbed it. When it came time for me to eat cake, I noticed the piece on my plate had sprinkles. I don’t understand the purpose of sprinkles. I grumbled good-naturedly to my wife and sister-in-law. It didn’t reach the whining stage as I appreciate those  who make food. I ate the cake because I took the cake. Then I grumbled to myself. I had a professor who was fond of saying, “It’s always good sometimes.” That always made me smile. It’s always good sometimes to listen to yourself. I stopped grumbling.

Staying put in a pandemic

If the pandemic accomplished anything, it provided each household with plenty of cardboard. I lost trips as did many of you. I wanted to send my cellphone to Spain and have someone take bad photos for me that I could look at later. It’d be as if I were there. I didn’t want to see a bullfight. I’ve been in a fight with a bull. I lost.

Bad joke department

Mirrors don’t lie. We can be thankful they don’t laugh.

What do you call 10,000 scuba divers in the ocean? 20,000 legs under the sea.

The creator of autocorrect died. His funnel is tomato.

Robin: The Batmobile won’t start. Batman: Check the battery. Robin: What’s a tery?

My mind thinks I’m 25, but my body thinks I’m an idiot.

What is an overweight parrot with an umbrella called? A polyunsaturated fat.

I asked my dentist if there was anything I could do about my yellowing teeth. He recommended wearing brown shirts.

What do you call a polar bear in Hawaii? Lost.

I’ve learned

You’re cheap if you think there’s no such thing as an empty tube of toothpaste.

The most foolish conspiracy theory is believing we are always right.

Never buy an orange electric car. It runs out of juice.

Kids remember everything and forget everything.

If you want a walk-in closet, buy a treadmill.

If warning labels were everywhere they’re needed, we’d be covered in them.

Nature notes

A woman called and told me after she’d moved into a home she’d purchased in northern Minnesota, she noticed a hummingbird circling a spot in her shaded lawn. This perplexed her enough to call the couple from whom she’d bought the home. They said that was where they’d had a hummingbird feeder. She made haste to a store and procured a feeder. Once in place, that hummingbird became a cafe regular. How can a tiny bird remember food sources? Its survival depends upon finding food. That’s its job. The bird has a shot at living 3-5 years, so it doesn’t spend time worrying about a retirement plan.

Mosquitoes breed in stagnant, standing water and as little as a teaspoon or bottle cap of water standing for more than a week is enough for eggs to develop. A container with at least 1 inch of stagnant water is a perfect place for mosquitoes to breed. Mosquitoes are weak fliers and slow (1-1.5 mph). Placing a large fan on your deck can provide a deterrent. Research indicates mosquitoes are more attracted to people with blood type O than other blood types.

Cicadas sing from July to the first frost. Crickets from May into October, but pick up the pace in July and are joined by the sounds of katydids at that time. Goldenrod gets the blame for your hay fever, but the culprit is ragweed.

A friend, Gordon Hopp of southeast Nebraska, maintains 400 bluebird nestboxes and fledges 2,000 bluebirds annually. His numbers are less than 10% of that this year.

Meeting adjourned

Serve others a heaping helping of kindness.