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Al Batt: High noon with a skunk

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

There was a skunk in my shed. I grabbed my trusty Super Soaker water gun. I was going to let him have, but I couldn’t.

Why not?

He let me have it first and left me smellbound.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I’d gotten nothing done that day other than wrestling with plastic bags in the produce section. Those bags are the reason people don’t eat as much fresh fruits and vegetables as they should. Some folks lick their fingers to aid in the opening of the bags. Others carry hand sanitizer wipes to wet fingers. I’ve found they open easily when I place the unsealed end of the bag between my palms and rub those palms together or rub the unsealed end against my arm. Those actions pull the thin pieces of film apart to create an opening, which I can pull or blow apart, or shake open.

It’s a rare home that doesn’t have a bag of plastic bags. My wife keeps ours in a container made for holding bags. A friend keeps his in old facial tissue boxes. I’d worry I’d try to blow my nose with a plastic bag.

I was a high-stepper thanks to asparagus

I was born altricial, but by the time I’d become precocial and creeped out by Ouija boards that answered questions one word at a time, I’d obtained employment with the New Richland Step Company. It was a fine business that was dented only slightly by my work there. I was a whoopser for that outfit. I ran a jackhammer, poured cement and installed railings. What’s a whoopser? It’s someone who has to say “whoops” at least once before the completion of any task.

Some critter is after my asparagus. It chewed on it but didn’t eat it. Friends gave me some of theirs. As a kid, I ate creamed corn and cream peas. I didn’t mind either. I ate creamed asparagus on toast. It was one of Dad‘s favorites. Not mine. Now I crave asparagus. Do our discriminating taste buds die of old age or do they give up? Do the creamed asparagus-loving taste buds replace the sour apple-loving taste buds of our adolescence?

Bad joke department

My dentist said I need a crown. Finally, someone understands me.

Why did the lion cross the road? To get to the other pride.

What has three feet but can’t walk? A yardstick.

If we aren’t supposed to eat in the middle of the night, why is there a light in the refrigerator?

Said one astronaut to another, “I can’t find milk for my coffee.” Said another, “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

In the news

Man ordered to never again take his dog named Shark to the beach.

Man’s last words were, “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

Sprinter, arrested for brandishing a pistol at track meet, claims he’s a self-starter.

Retiree from creamery said, “I’ve seen butter days.”

Successful boat builder moves business to his attic. Sails are through the roof.

In MLB standings, the White Sox are in first place, the Indians are in second, the Royals are in third and the Twins are in Minnesota.

Grilled chicken refuses to say why it crossed the road.

You’re getting older if

That which doesn’t kill you only makes your knees hurt.

If your idea of exercising is putting on your socks.

If the funny noises your car makes drown out the funny noises you make.

Nature notes

I’ve talked to bluebirding friends in Midwestern states and they indicated their bluebird numbers are down 10-20% from last year. The harsh winter storms south of us in February killed bluebirds and other early migrants

Dame’s rocket grows 2-4 feet tall in woodland edges and ditches. Its flowers are white, pink, lavender and purple. This plant is confused with native phlox, but phlox has five-petaled flowers and dame’s rocket has four. Dame’s rocket is a prolific bloomer and a single plant produces substantial amounts of seed and can form massive colonies.

Canada anemone, Virginia waterleaf, Solomon seal, wild geranium, lilac, mountain ash, chokecherry, mayapple and that rare yellow flower, the dandelion, are blooming in my wild kingdom.

The bird chorus features the voices of gray catbirds, chipping sparrows, red-eyed vireos, rose-breasted grosbeaks, song sparrows, great crested flycatchers, vesper sparrows, Baltimore orioles, brown thrashers, house wrens and northern cardinals. Birdsong is my pager.

Meeting adjourned

“What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?”—Jean-Jacques Rousseau