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Al Batt: A stinker of a bad joke

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

What’s wrong?

It’s my son. He won’t eat fish. I don’t know what to do.

Replace him with a cat.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me, such as: I had stayed up to watch daylight saving time end. That wasn’t as exciting as I’d hoped. Five years ago, during job interviews, people were asked where they saw themselves in five years. No one got that answer right. When I’m eating the day’s celery sandwich, I need something to make me laugh. Here are some movies that seem to do the trick for me. Ranking favorite movies is like herding cats, so they aren’t in any particular order.

1. “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”

2. “Groundhog Day”

3. “Animal House”

4. “The Big Lebowski”

5. “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”

6. “Young Frankenstein”

7. Any Pink Panther, Monty Python, Marx Brothers or Laurel & Hardy movie

8. “Arsenic And Old Lace”

9. “Blues Brothers”

10. “Naked Gun”

11. “Office Space”

12. “Midnight Run”

If there are traffic jams, why not traffic jellies?

The fellow from Waterville told me he had stopped at a red light. He watched as other traffic lights cycled through three times while his stayed red. His patience exhausted, he decided to go. A policeman decided to pull him over. The officer told him his car hadn’t been close enough to the light for its sensor to recognize a waiting vehicle. Later that day, I waited at a stoplight with enough other cars. The light turned green. It was green long enough for the driver in front of me to do his taxes. Someone honked. It wasn’t me. The reluctant driver, a smartphone zombie, put down his phone and drove on. He was our leader, but he’d let us down. He was on a traffic signal vacation. That can happen to anyone. I lingered at a green light once. I was kissing my wife.

I wonder

What were the odds of Nevada becoming a state?

How has climate change affected hot salsa?

Is jingle bell rock the one you carry to throw at someone playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving?

Five old guys used to meet each morning at the local cafe. Sometimes they dressed as if they’d gotten most of their clothing from the landfill. They discussed all things. Then one went home and the others tried to figure out who had left. Was the cafe’s recognition technology faulty?

I still have my wisdom teeth. I wonder why they have halted the production of wisdom?

Bad joke department

What is a skunk’s favorite sandwich? Peanut butter and smelly.

What weighs less — water or butane? Butane is a lighter fluid.

What is the fear of giants called? Feefifofumphobia.

“I find it highly suspicious that you are sick only on Saturdays and Sundays.”  The patient responded, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

What’s fast, loud and goes crunch? A rocket chip.

Never have lunch with a chess grandmaster in a cafe with checkered tablecloths no matter how good the specials are. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

Nature notes

When you enter your basement zoo, a centipede moves quickly and its legs are to its sides. A millipede is slow and its legs are under its body.

There are approximately 700 species of butterflies in North America and 15,000 moth species. Butterflies usually rest with wings closed above their backs, while moths generally rest with their wings open and out at their sides. Butterflies have long, thin antennae and moths have shorter feathery antennae. Most butterflies have club tips on theirs. Moths have stout and hairy or furry bodies, while butterflies have slender, smoother abdomens. Butterflies tend to be more colorful than moths. Butterflies normally forage during the day and moths are seen more at night. There are exceptions to every guideline.

Female eagles weigh approximately 25 percent more than males from the same area. Bald eagles and golden eagles are of equal size, with slight variations in individual birds. The weight of a bald eagle is 8-14 pounds. Northern eagles tend to be larger than their southern relatives. The weight of a golden eagle is 6-15 pounds. The distinct difference in size or appearance between the sexes of an animal is called sexual dimorphism. Why are females larger? Is it to enhance the defense of the nest or so she won’t have to put up with any of his crap?

According to the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service, a beaver’s fur has nearly 60,000 hairs per square inch. Sea otters have 170,000 to 1,062,000 hairs per square inch.

Meeting adjourned

Nobody wants to be less than. Be kind.