Don’t worry, you’re hitting all the potholes

Published 9:41 am Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting

I miss the good old days when I lived next to the baseball field where the kids played.

You yelled at them whenever a baseball landed on your lawn.

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I know. That’s what I miss.

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: My wife was driving. I was riding shotgun, but I don’t let that interfere with my driving.

“The sun is so bright, it makes it hard for me to see all the potholes,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” I replied, “you’re hitting most of them.”

The cafe chronicles

I had a bowl of soup. It was supposed to be good for me, but it was tasteless. I would have known about its lack of flavor had I read the small print on the menu. It said that a regular-sized bowl of that soup fed nine people.

The week that was

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I could tell it was tax time. There were more shoeboxes moving around than at Famous Footwear.

A dreaded March tornado hit a few miles from home. I wasn’t home, so I didn’t make it to that secret corner of the basement. It’s easy to remember the last bad tornado we had. That’s because there are no good tornadoes to cloud our memories.

The sensor to our garage door opens only when it can’t see the sun. I’m going to buy it a pair of cheap sunglasses.

Maybe I should leave the car in the garage. My car has been door dinged three times recently. Three times! At least $1000 damage as gifts from anonymous givers. My car looks like a winner in a demolition derby. It’s my own fault. I parked legally and properly. I try not to park next to cars painted in dents and rust. The drivers are likely lovely people, but I figure they have little to lose. I wonder how much it costs to have deflector shields installed on my vehicle like those on the USS Enterprise on “Star Trek”?

I spoke at Farmers Mutual Insurance Company’s annual meeting. I tend to call it Manchester Mutual because it’s headquartered in Manchester, Minnesota. Manchester has a population of 57, but is filled with industrious folks like the ones who founded this business in 1876.

I was sleeping, trying to avoid all but one pillow, when I awoke to a glowing light over our bed. I felt swell, but I am battling a serious ailment, so a light over my bed is worthy of my attention.

I waited for a voice. I heard no command, “Follow the light,”

What I heard was, “The power went off again.”

It was my wife moving about in the darkness by the lighted screen of her iPhone.

Walk-up music

I took an economics course. I paid $39 for the textbook and sold it back to the college for $1.50. That’s economics.

Going to a professional sporting event makes little sense at an economically to a fan. Everything is overpriced, but I enjoy watching baseball.

Baseball has walk-up music. It’s a soundtrack that plays as a batter moves to home plate. There is a signature song for each hitter and for many relievers. This personal anthem hopes to unleash power. Most of you have something similar, the ringtone of your cellphone.

In local news

The Pay & Get Out Store offers low prices and great service. You decide which one you want.

The Apostrophe Police are sending repeat offenders to jail for a period.

Conan the Librarian says that the library is so small that it has only short stories.

Bookstore cannot stock every book. The owner, Rita Book, says, “I never promised you a prose garden.”

Mel’s Repair guarantees that all cars will be Mel adjusted.Mel’s Repair guarantees that all cars will be Mel adjusted.

Nature notes

“Do all birds have hollow bones?” Most have hollow bones optimized for flight. Not all. Our state bird, the common loon, has nearly solid bones to aid in diving as deep as 200 feet in search of fish, frogs, leeches and crayfish. Most hunting takes place at 20 feet down as the loons’ large feet propel them like torpedoes. They can stay underwater for up to three minutes. The extra weight requires a runway over 100 feet long to become airborne, but once aloft they reach speeds in excess of 55 miles per hour.

Meeting adjourned

Ronald Reagan said, “We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” A kind word helps.