Al Batt: Weather doesn’t always agree with the calendar

Published 9:00 am Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

This is going to sound goofy, but the leaves in your yard look just like Jim Nabors did in that TV show about the Marines.

They’re supposed to.

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Because I raked them into a Pyle.
Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: I wanted to go as a floor lamp on Halloween, but when I screwed a light bulb into my ear, it wouldn’t light up. So I went as a punctuation mark. I closed one eye and called myself a period. Kids used to move outhouses or tip them over as Halloween pranks. Indoor plumbing took a lot of the fun out of Halloween.
Bon appetit

“What’s for dinner?” I’d ask.

Dinner was the noon meal in those bygone days.

“Air pudding and wind sauce,” my mother would reply. That was an indication that I shouldn’t concern myself with the menu.

“I’m starving,” I’d whine.

“Take a cold potato and wait,” Mom answered.

It turned out to be liver and onions. That wasn’t my favorite dish.

Mom knew that and put my entree on a very large dish. That way, the liver and onions didn’t seem so large and daunting.
Just the other day

The weather doesn’t always agree with the calendar. Sometimes we get weather that is nicer than the date would suppose. It’s weather that is nicer than we deserve. It won’t be long before it changes. It lulls us into contentment before turning nasty with all of the subtlety of a marching band.

My wife told me that she had talked to a mutual acquaintance, a young, handsome man.

“He reminds me of you,” she said.

“Really?” I asked, pleased as a banty hen on a warm egg, but incredulous to be favorably compared with such a youthful fellow.

“Yes, every time I talk to him, he asks, ‘How is Al?’”
Seasick Belgians 

I led a tour group out of Valdez, Alaska, on a glacier and wildlife cruise into Prince William Sound. It was an 80-foot long boat that seated 150, not necessarily comfortably. It was a wonderful voyage. Oh, the things we saw! There was a group of college-aged Belgians on the boat. One thing that sets a ship apart from a boat is size. According to the U.S. Naval Institute, you could put a boat on a ship, but you couldn’t put a ship on a boat. It’s whatever the captain calls it.

Back to the Belgians. They’d been enjoying life and in the process, they’d been overserved the night before.

Getting out of the harbor can be rough and some of the celebrants didn’t take it well. Alcohol and greasy foods haunted them. They were misery incarnate.

I told them to look at the horizon.

I’m not sure they heard or understood.

It’s not easy being green.
A souper day

The day had moved to within field goal range and it found my wife and I selling tickets for the church soup and pie. It’s a grand gala of gastronomical delights for discriminating palates. Scrumptious soups, delectable desserts and ice scream worth screaming for. People arrived in hordes and Fords. I asked a few if they wanted fries with that.

One young man walked up to our table and said, “I’m sure that you get this all the time, but my mother paid for me.”

We did hear that a lot. And each time, the mother had paid. I found that comforting and we appreciated the company.
Duct tape to the rescue

My bag had been destroyed at a German airport. My luggage had exploded on the baggage carousel. The contents of my tormented bag were strewn about on a merry-go-round that lacked amusement. I packed up my troubles in my old kit bag. It took me a long time to gather my belongings, one of which was a roll of duct tape that I used to tape the suitcase back together. An airport worker helped. She collected a few items that had strayed. She had a pained expression as she held out underwear (shorts) and asked if they were mine. I wanted to deny ownership, but I couldn’t. I’d packed sparingly and needed every item. It was the last time I wore briefs covered in red hearts and the words, “Sweet cheeks.”
Nature Notes

“How many feathers does a bald eagle have?” Between 7,000 and 7,200.
Meeting adjourned

Today is the youngest you’ll ever be and the oldest you’ve ever been. Celebrate by being kind.