Al Batt: Unless you’re a teacher, don’t expect others to do math

Published 9:39 am Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

I hate Mondays.

What’s wrong with Mondays?

They aren’t Saturdays.

Driving by the Bruces

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I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Unless you’re a teacher, you can’t expect anyone to do math. You can insult a small-town resident by accusing him of living in the next town over. A half a loaf is better than no nap at all. If you buy your underwear at a shopping club, you will always be getting your panties in a bunch.

The cafe chronicles

“The food was terrible. The service was even worse.”

“Why did you do that?” I ask.

“To show them what a great customer they had lost.”

There will be a tube shortage

The day started off with the discovery that our toilet paper rolls had no tubes. That meant the end of craft projects as I have known them.

I was tooling on down the road trying not to think about toilet paper rolls without tubes when I met a giant dump truck hauling crushed rock. I’m not sure how much it was hauling, but it was one rock too many. One mini-boulder leaped from the box and attacked my windshield. CCRRAACCKK! I thought that all the splattered insects on the glass offered some protection from such occurrences, but I was wrong. My poor windshield cracked under pressure. That didn’t rock.

The Bee Gees bothered me

I pulled into a convenience store. It wasn’t all that convenient as it was 70 miles from home, but I needed fuel. As I grabbed the gas pump nozzle, the music piped overhead was a Bee Gees song. I don’t recall which one it was, I’m not a fan of the Bee Gees disco stuff. I moaned, “I can’t pump gas to the Bees Gees.”

The man at the next pump laughed. I liked that. Not long before, I’d pulled into another convenience store 70 miles in the opposite direction away from home. Again, it was to get gas. It’s a disturbing trend. A police officer was fueling his squad car at the next pump. I greeted him and said that I hoped he was having a criminal-free day. He didn’t laugh. He said that he’d been having a criminal-free day until now and pointed at my license plate with expired tabs. I hurried to the glove compartment and retrieved the envelope containing the tabs. I wiped the license plates with squeegee and towel under the watchful eye of the policeman. I slapped the stickers in place. He didn’t even smile. He probably likes the Bee Gees.

I see myself in a cow pie

I walked across the pasture. The cows watched me. I looked down as I walked. There were badger holes and cow manure to avoid. I stopped by a cow pie. I’m not sure why. Why does anyone stop by a cow pie? The cow pie was a dollar waiting on a dime. There was something odd about this particular cow pie. I looked hard at it. Then I squinted like Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western. I wasn’t squinting long before it became apparent. My image was in the cow pie. As far as miracles go, it was ground level, but it was still almost exciting.

Never buy tight shoes and plan on them stretching

He’d paid $200 for the hiking boots. Then he went on a long hike. The boots were too small and were killing his feet. He wasn’t near a shoe store and wouldn’t be for some time. He used his knife to cut a hole in the front end of each of his new boots. I asked him how he felt after ruining a pair of $200 boots. He told me that after doing all that walking, he wouldn’t have taken $200 for the holes.

When I wear tight shoes, I speak French while walking. I don’t know why. I don’t speak French.

I bought some shoes one day that were a bit snug. They were a size 14, but they weren’t 14 enough.

“How do they feel?” asked the sales clerk.

“They are a little tight,” I replied.

“Try pulling out on the tongue,” the clerk suggested.

“Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” I said.

Nature notes

“Do ticks drop from trees?” Depending upon the species, ticks are found in grass, brush or shrubs, particularly along animal trails and paths. They climb up plants and use their legs to detect potential hosts. Any tick on your head crawled there.

Meeting adjourned

Be kind. The world has need of it.