Batt: Age changes New Year’s Eve wishes

Published 11:07 am Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Echoes From the Loafers’ Club Meeting:

“Could you tell me how to get to the highway?”

“I have no idea.”

“Don’t you live here?”

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“I do, but I wouldn’t be living here if I knew how to get to the highway.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: the biggest fool doesn’t recognize his achievement.

Ask Al

“How can I avoid cutting myself when slicing vegetables?” Have someone else hold the vegetables.

“Which side of a duck has the most feathers?” The outside.

“How do you pack for a trip?” I carry my packed suitcase around the outside of the house five times. Then I remove everything I don’t need.

Happy New Year

You’ve made it through another year. Nice going.

I am not always able to stay awake until midnight on New Year’s Eve. I recall the thrill of being allowed to stay up as late as I wanted. Age has changed my desires.

I went on one of those small merry-go-rounds in the park and spun around a few times. Those were my New Year’s revolutions.

The fortune cookie I opened last year said that it’d be a good year. It was. I put Goodyear tires on my car.

At the outset of a new year, it is customary to wish people good things.

I wish you pie.

Lots of pie.

Memories of Mom

Canada geese flew over in a messy V-formation. The birds were either tired or illiterate. One goose was strikingly small. It might have been a cackling goose. I thought of Dr. Seuss and one of his books, “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish,” that contains the lines, “We see them come. We see them go. Some are fast. And some are slow. Some are high. And some are low. Not one of them is like another. Don’t ask us why. Go ask your mother.”

I like ants. I studied them from my get-go. Back when I thought antlers were young ants, my mother didn’t think I’d become an entomologist. She thought I’d become an antomologist.

Customer comments

Alan Searle of Toledo, Ore. wrote, “My daughter’s question, ‘If you buy a bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the first one away?’”

Rodney Hunt of Albert Lea said, “Eat chocolate in moderation. No more than a pound a day.”

Anne McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario wrote, “When you tell a child to act his age, you are saying ‘act my age.’ He’s already acting his age.”

Jo Golbuff of Albert Lea said her friend was adopted by a stray cat. He named it, “Not My Cat.”

Dennis Prescher of New Richland likes cookies that break instead of bending. He explained, “If it bends, it’s cake.”

Rod and Ruth Searle of Waseca said a friend spent all day in a deer stand without seeing any deer. After shooting hours ended, he climbed down from the stand and trudged wearily back to his truck. There by his truck stood a deer.

I received a Christmas card from Ric McArthur of Morpeth, Ontario. It featured colorful birds. The text read, “We three kings of avian are, migrant birds who travel afar. Fluff and feather, snowy weather, pooping on yonder car.”

Did you know?

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Psycholinguistics in the Netherlands found that “Huh” is a universal word.

Every year since 1947, the city of Oslo has given a Norway spruce as a Christmas tree to New York, London, Edinburgh and Washington, DC in gratitude for U.S. and U.K. help during World War II.

Nature notes

“Is it a centipede or a millipede in my basement?” If you can’t catch it, it’s probably a centipede. They’re as fast as the four-legged chickens that are supposed to be delicious, but nobody knows for sure because they haven’t been able to catch one. The centipede has one pair of legs per body segment, the millipede has two pairs for each segment. The centipede has a flattened look, while the millipede is more rounded. Millipedes feed on decomposing organic matter and centipedes prey upon insects and spiders.

Meeting adjourned

Norman Wesley Brooks wrote, “Christmas is forever, not for just one day, for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf. The good you do for others is good you do yourself. Peace on Earth, good will to men, kind thoughts and words of cheer, are things we should use often and not just once a year.”