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A round of resolutions

Published 8:50am Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The thing about making New Year’s resolutions is that breaking them will leave you feeling guilty all year long.

Here goes my latest guilt trip:

Celebrate one funny holiday per month in 2011.

I believe I’ll begin with Take An Elected Official to Lunch Day and let them pick up the check. That is, any elected official except the Mower County Auditor Treasurer and Mower County Commissioners. No raises for them in 2011. No money left after giving the other officials raises?

Develop my mind.

Funny. For at least a decade learning a new language has made my New Year’s list, yet all I can say is, “Where is Quality Pork Processors?” in Spanish.

For 2011 I’ve decided to learn the language of love. Romance novels, here I come. How do you say, “Is that your heart monitor beeping or are you just happy to see me?”

Save time and money.

No Social Security increase again in 2011 means I’m going to have to live more frugally and efficiently, starting with my laundry.

The plan: Go to the Laundromat. Distract a fellow laundry-doer. Drop a few pieces in with his or her wash. When folding time comes, pretend outrage and snatch my socks and underwear and head out the door.

Reach out.

Giving back to the community in 2011 is a must. Watch for my expose” in the Herald about unwanted tree planting by Spruce Up Austin, Inc. Now that I’m an ex officio board member, I can ask the question on everyone’s mind: Do they ever come back to rake leaves?

Eat better.

Beer nuts and hard-boiled eggs. Maybe frosted pretzels and brownies on a stick.

Maybe a couple of those KFC double-down fried chicken sandwiches just to get my arteries’ attention.

Feel the power, Buy Mower, Grow Mower.

We’re all in this recession mess. Celebrate business growth. The newest business to open in Austin is the new Mower County Jail.

Let’s get the Austin Area Chamber of Commerce down there ASAP for a ribbon-cutting ceremony and hand out some Chamber Bucks to help the inmates pay their fines.

Fight back against annoying cell phone use.

Is there anything more irritating than to be shopping for groceries, sitting in a doctor’s waiting room or just minding your own business walking down a street and hear somebody’s cell phone conversation? Who are these idiots?

I say whenever this happens, join the conversation. Butt in just like they do. Ask them “What did they forget to buy for supper? How’s Uncle Fred doing? Want to go bowling tonight?”

Try getting a life, Cell Phone Terrorists and leave the rest of us alone.

Don’t be fooled.

My limited vision creates all sorts of problems, so I don’t need any help acting foolish.

You don’t know how many times I’ve ridden the Pickett Place elevators only to punch the number and get off on the wrong floor only to discover my mistake when I walk down the hallway to my apartment, take out my key, try to open the door and be stopped by an irate woman on her way to bingo.

The hallways all look the same to me sometimes.

Worse yet are those trick e-mails people send me. You know the ones where you scroll down to get to the punch line only to discover it’s a monkey farting in your face.

I’ve had enough of these childish pranks.

Take this you merry pranksters: This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!

Now read without the word dog.


Ban senior texting.

Stop this menace before it takes hold of grandparents.

The official Senior Texting Code is not for the faint of heart. ATD: At The Doctor’s, BTW: Bring The Wheelchair, BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth, CBM: Covered By Medicare, CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center, DWI: Driving While Incontinent and so on so forth.

Grow up.

Readers of this column – both of you – I want to apologize for a year of foolishness on the Austin Daily Herald’s Opinion/Editorial page.

For God’s sake, any newspaper’s Op/Ed page is sacred ground for thought-provoking commentary on important issues, calls to action to right society’s wrongs and examination of decisions, which affect lives.

I know I have disturbed you, caused irritation and discontent and gotten on your nerves.

As the New Year dawns, I want to assure you and the Austin Daily Herald, I ain’t changing.

There’s more to come in 2011, so suck it up, Cupcake, and hold on for the ride.

I don’t hear any fat lady singing yet.

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