Annie Lane: Girlfriend is self-destructing

Published 6:07 pm Tuesday, August 30, 2022

Dear Annie: I have been with my girlfriend for three years. She and her physically disabled son have lived with me for almost two years. I’ve been very unhappy in this relationship for a while now. I don’t think she treats me very well. She trashes my house and interrupts me every time I speak. Her jealousy is over the top. She smokes in the house and drops ashes all over my bed.

Another major issue is her drinking. She starts drinking hard alcohol in the middle of the afternoon. Any time we get together with my friends, she’s slurring her words and talking nonsense. She even drives around with a drink in the car, sometimes when her son is with her.

I don’t want to sound superficial, but all the soda, alcohol and daily fast food has changed her appearance and made me lose physical attraction to her.

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She doesn’t make much money and doesn’t have anywhere to go. I can’t just put her and her son out on the street with nothing. I feel like I’m trapped. What can I do?

— Feeling Trapped

Dear Feeling Trapped: The real person here who is trapped is your girlfriend. She is trapped in a life of self-sabotage and alcoholism that will not lead to anything good. You are right to be concerned about her son. The best thing you can do is to have an intervention with her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to get help for her drinking. She is a grown adult, and if she refuses help, then you have to ask her to leave your house — not just for your sake but for hers as well. Enabling all that self-destructive behavior will only hurt her and her son in the long run.

In regards to the son, if she is drinking and driving with him, that is criminal. You have to step in. Driving drunk with a child is very serious, and she simply cannot do that. If he is old enough, talk with her son about calling 911 if his mother tries to drive him while under the influence.

• • •

Dear Annie: My daughter was just married this past week. Her reception will be held next month, but I was not invited. I found out a couple of weeks ago that she blames me for a miscarriage she suffered eight years ago.

I talked to her through my mom and asked why this was not brought up until now. She said, “It wasn’t the right time.” She is currently pregnant and due in December.

Do I send a gift, or do I ignore it? Thoughts on further holidays?

— Sad and Dumbfounded

Dear Sad and Dumbfounded: The fact that your question to me is about whether you should send a gift shows that you are not seeing the bigger picture. Your daughter is clearly very upset with you, and sending a gift, or not, will hardly repair the relationship. However, if you do send a gift, it might be a small olive branch to reach out and find out why she blames you for her miscarriage and why she is so upset with you.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to