Annie Lane: Lust lost after lover lies

Published 5:44 pm Friday, May 6, 2022

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Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 11 years, together for 16. Let me start by saying I love my husband but am no longer in love with him. Unfortunately, he is a habitual liar. While most of his lies have been inconsequential, others have caused huge issues to the point I often wonder if what he tells me is true.

We had a major situation almost a year ago in which he took out a considerable amount of money (close to $2,000) from our savings account after we had agreed if either of us needed money from our savings, we would first discuss it together. The money was taken in increments of $100 to $500 over a period of a month with nothing to show for it. This led me to wonder if he was spending money on a mistress and caused trust issues. We cannot afford to get divorced, nor do we want to.

Throughout this time, I have lost interest and the desire to be intimate. He has been patient with this as he accepts responsibility for hurting me deeply, however, he has been increasingly persistent in the past few months. I don’t want to hurt him by continuing to refuse to be intimate beyond kissing and caressing, yet I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Any suggestions?

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— Confused

Dear Confused: It’s clear there are still far more issues between you and your husband than this current lack of intimacy. He has fractured your trust on too many occasions, and until full repairs are made to the emotional cracks, it’s likely the physical connection won’t improve either.

If you both are truly committed to the marriage, enlist the help of a couples therapist to work through your issues. Your husband would also benefit from individual counseling. Until he tackles his lying tendencies, he will only continue poisoning your relationship.

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Dear Annie: I have been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years. We’re both in our early 50s. I have asked to meet his family or go to his house. He has not invited me to his house because his mom and brother live there, he says, and doesn’t really give me a reason why I haven’t met his family or friends yet. I have discussed with him wanting to get a place together since he doesn’t want to live in his house. He says it’s a good idea, but it’s been a year and nothing’s ever happened.

He has never even stayed a weekend over at my place. We never take any trips together. How do I get it across to him that these things are important to me and I am tired of waiting around without pushing him to think that he has to do them or I’m going to leave? FYI: I have already told him that if my needs aren’t met, I think it’s best that we date other people, but we’re still in the same situation. I keep telling myself to just walk away. That is best, but I guess I need validation.

— Waiting and Wondering

Dear Waiting and Wondering: Some of the clearest choices we have to make are the hardest to pull the trigger on. After more than two years of dating, your boyfriend has continued to keep you at arm’s length, refusing to take your relationship to the next level. You deserve a partner who cares about what’s important to you, makes sure you feel secure and meets your needs. You’ve said it yourself — and you know what you need to do.

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