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Peggy Keener: A proboscis perspective

We all have them—those fleshy twin-channeled things that stick out on our faces and arrive wherever we go before the rest of our bodies get there. They’re called noses.

These can be extreme. Notable, might be a better word because it is such notable noses that make the people who have them notable. For example, someone who went way overboard in the nose department was Jimmy Durante. Where would he have been without his famous schnozz? He’d just have been a regular nosed guy with a gravelly voice who sucked on throat lozenges.

We could include Pinocchio, but he doesn’t count because he’s not real. He’d probably lie and tell you he is, though.

Then there is Barbra Streisand. Word has it that she was encouraged to have a bunch of her nose shaved off. She wisely declined knowing that a reduction of her extra long projection plays a critical part in the velvety tone of her voice. An example of a nose surgery gone bad—and just what Barbra feared—would be Alvin of the Chipmunks.

Stuck-up noses reflect the elevated social plane on which some people see themselves. Such arrogance has many downsides, the most dire of which is the real danger of their drowning in a heavy downpour.

Some individuals are so nose unhappy that they get nose bob jobs. This has nothing to do with employment. Rather it is a reshaping of their very prominent feature. Such a bold move is costly. Penurious folks have absolutely loved Covid 19. For eighteen months they have been able to hide their embarrassment behind masks. I wonder if there is a rush on nose bobs now that we have a vaccine and noses are once again revealed?

An important point that I’d like to make is that having a nose for news is no guarantee you will be hired by the Austin Herald. It’s merely an expression.

It seems to me that having a great big nose would be a real asset for a runner. Every coach would covet having you on his track team especially if you were in the habit of craning your neck forward towards the finish line. Gosh, you’d be winning by a nose all over the place, the very reason why long nosed horses are in races. Imagine what kind of winning streak a team would have if it also had an anteater? Or an elephant!

For umpteen reasons noses are a very good deal, the most important of which is that you couldn’t see without one. Like where would you put your glasses?

Have you noticed that when a child is about three years old, he begins to smell everything? I mean everything! I guess his smell ability kicks in then. Developing this new habit strongly resembles Fido, the family pet.

Dogs are the nose champions of all time. Their noses are 10,000 to 100,000 times more acute that ours? For every scent receptor that a human has, a dog has 50. Even a dog with no snout is an awesome smeller. Our pug was such a dog. To smell something on the floor, she had to stand on her head.

Nose styles have names. Some people have tiny button noses, but quite honestly such noses can be lethal. Air can’t get through them. Examples of these would be Barbie and Ken. In their plastic world, they contentedly unbreathe together.

The other extreme is the Roman nose. Adrian Brody is an excellent example of one who went above and beyond in demonstrating what aquiline looks like. Where button nosed children simply slide out of their mother’s birth canal, I’m thinking Adrian’s mom had a heck of a time because I’ll bet his nose got hooked on her pubic bone. Honestly, Adrian should be a spokesperson for Kleenex.

A Roman nose looks like a hook or an eagle’s beak. Some believe it indicates power. George Washington had an eagle nose and there is no question as to his power. Hitler wanted one. In his nose disappointment, he had to resort to that ridiculous mustache. Richard Nixon also wanted one, but instead he got a ski jump and no power at all.

When you marry, it is important to do a background check on your betrothed’s nose. What if he/she has had a nose job … with a nose so wretchedly unlovely that a bob was the only way he/she could have hooked you? Such a revelation means there is a strong likelihood your children will also have problematic proboscises and will therefore have trouble marrying and will then live with you forever! See what I mean? Engaged people need nose detectives.

Such thinking brings up the possibility of an Adrian/Barbra marriage. Yikes! How would they kiss? Their lips would be unable to span the gap. Awkward! On the good side, I suppose they’d produce powerful singers.

One of the great beauties of our time suffered from nose embarrassment. It didn’t help one bit that the press actively discussed Princess Diana’s big nose. She coped by wearing a big hairdo, as well as using a special pose in which she bent her head slightly down, turned it a bit to one side, and lifted only her eyes. Who knew? I thought it was because she was shy.

Here height was also a problem. Diana was 5’8”, as was Prince Charles. The court photographers intentionally made her look shorter by placing her in front of Charles and having her wear flat shoes. This was an attempt to make the Prince look more impressive than Diana … which we all know was impossible.

What if we had only one big nostril instead of two? It would go a long way in ridding us of nose insecurities. It seems there might be a danger, however, of snorting in something over-sized and getting clogged up like a vacuum cleaner does.

And then there is the worst scenario. What if we had no nostrils? No nose would not be good nose news. And just think of all the flowers and doughnuts that would go unsmelled.