Annie Lane: Choosing positivity

Published 6:30 am Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

Dear Annie: Just wanted to say thank you for including the letters from people who really love and appreciate their spouses. Life has been difficult lately for many of us, and reading positive words is uplifting. Dwelling on people’s often-petty complaints makes me feel down while reading inspiring words of love and appreciation makes me feel hopeful.

—Keep the Positivity Coming!

Dear Keep the Positivity: Thank you for your kind words. Cheers to positivity. The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time, so choose a positive one whenever you remember.

Email newsletter signup

• • •

Dear Annie: I have been with my husband 40 years now, and we’ve been married 30 years in July. I found out, just recently, that he has a son —two months younger than my son —with a woman he was cheating on me with when I was pregnant with our first child. How could I have been so blind to the fact that he had this whole other side to him?

I am devastated about this. However, he says I need to move past it because it was over 30 years ago. They put the child up for adoption, and if my daughter didn’t do an ancestry search, then I would have never known that he lived a double life for so many years of our lives together. Should I just move past this or should I just call it quits on our marriage? I feel like our entire life has been a lie. He says he has never cheated since the day we got married. But after finding out about his four-year affair, I am not sure if I believe him or trust him any more. Please help me with this.

—Devastated in PA

Dear Devastated: I am so sorry that your husband kept this secret from you and your family for all these years. This shock has understandably rocked you to your core, not to mention affected your children. Your husband’s cavalier attitude is appallingly insensitive. He seems unable to reconcile that he now has to face the choices he made 30 years ago, which is why he wants to brush this aside. However, to continue in your relationship, you’ll need to work through this breech of trust. If he’s unwilling to do to a counselor or therapist, consider going alone. A professional can support you in talking through your emotions to decide how you’d like to move forward. Ultimately, you need to do what will be best for you.

• • •

Dear Annie: Please tell “Lost in Love” to get out of that toxic relationship immediately. It’s not worth another minute of her time. She may love him “with every fiber” of her being, but that love is not being returned. Any respectable man would not take money from a relationship to pay his mortgage and give nothing in return. I promise you, she will never regret leaving, only staying one more day.

—Been There

Dear Been There: Thank you for sharing your advice based on a similar experience.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book —featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette —is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to