The Wide Angle: The royals, weddings and Breed’s Hill

Published 9:24 am Saturday, May 26, 2018

I don’t understand a lot of things in this world.

Algebra still seems suspicious, physics in any kind of form is confounding and well … Washington D.C.

But one of the things that has confused me recently is all the hype the Royal Wedding garnered here in America and the confusing idea of whether or not “Royal Wedding” is capitalized.

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This past Saturday Prince Harry and Megan Markle were married in a lavish ceremony that was the biggest social event to strike England this year.

I watched certain updates throughout the week, wondering what the big deal was about. Sure, I understand weddings are a happy time for the happy bride and groom, their family and friends so on and so forth.

I, myself, am not much of a wedding guy. I’m always happy when a friend or friends get married. I’m not so heartless as to absolutely dislike weddings. I’m just not a big fan of them.

But this always seemed different. As an outsider looking in like some sort of wedding weirdo, I saw this as a bit much.

Mostly, I see the irony of it.

Some of you may not know this, but aside from a major in mass communications I also have a major in history along with only the slightly less worthlesssociology minor.

I’ve always had an interest in history. I love learning about our past and how humanity has been shaped and has learned from past events. It’s essential, really, if we want to make that world in which we live a better place to live.

What has become obvious over the years, however, is its general worth to my own life path is like a tutu-wearing bulldog. Yeah, it might look cute to see a dog in a tutu, but really what good does it do?

There was never any danger of me being a teacher. I don’t have the patience for it like my mom, dad and grandpa.

I am great with random facts in random situations. Nothing screams party like a random fact drop about ancient Greece or  that the Battle of Bunker Hill was actually fought on nearby Breeds Hill. Doesn’t that make a party more exciting?

I can literally hear you yawning.

The last little tidbit though actually highlights the point I’m about to make.

One of my favorite moments in history was the American Revolution. Few times in America’s history have been so tense, so exciting and so interesting. The birth of our nation rode the backs of men standing bravely against a world-dominating empire and then winning.

It’s a moment of extreme pride for our country and should be used by high school sports coaches.

“Yes, I know we’re down by 50 points gentleman, but did the Americans fold when they were defeated at Bunker Hill?”

“Breed’s Hill, coach”

“Shut up Bobby and stay with your man. He’s gaining the baseline every time.”

Those men and women who fought our revolution, who struggled through adversity and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat gave us our new nation, rich with promise and enthusiastically took our first proud steps forward as a new country.

Thanks France!

Yeah, we probably don’t win the Revolution without France’s help. Fun fact!

So, through all these struggles and fighting we wrestled our future away from England and its rule and its parliament.

So why then, after all this work that established a nation are we so enamored with royal weddings?We fought a war just so we don’t have to concern ourselves with royal weddings.

“Pssst, Jefferson, are you seriously reading a letter about the royal wedding.”

“Of course. They may have been tyrannical, but what designer is she wearing? I’m not a primative, Adams.”

I’m sure the happy couple had a fantastic day, but I’m not sure how we should care. In fact, we are the victors. We should be able to chant in unison, “We’re No. 1, we’re No. 1.” or “Scccooorreeebboooard,” or “Let’s fight a revolution, Let’s fight a revolution.”

You know, because we won, we’re winners.

Sure, the British does royal weddings like none other, but can they throw beer bottles at professional football players or put foreign objects in their noses and then film it for YouTube?

They can?

Man, the colonials had it good.