Full Circle: Satan made me say it

Published 7:45 am Saturday, July 22, 2017

Every church has them, no faith excluded. What could I be talking about? Why, the church bulletins, of course! They’re ecumenical! Ubiquitous! But, who is responsible for these heavenly gems? And more importantly, why are they squeezing by on a church salary when they could be holding down a high paying job on Saturday Night Live?

The Lord’s house is full of faith … and frivolity … much owing to untended irreverent malapropisms. Many a chuckle (or even guffaw) has erupted during a sermon when an unsuspecting parishioner glanced down at his program. You know what I’m talking about. Bloopers! So, here are some particularly delicious ones. If you’ve already heard them, pretend you haven’t. Repeated laughter is good for the Christian soul.

This morning’s sermon: Jesus Walks on Water

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This evening’s sermon: Searching for Jesus

The Prayer and Fasting Conference will include meals.

The scout troop is saving used aluminum cans, bottles and other items to cripple children.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands!

A song fest was hell at the Episcopal Church last Wednesday.

Don’t let worry kill you off. Let the church help.

Miss Charlene Mason will be singing, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” which will give obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Notice: for those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The ladies guild has cast off clothing of all kinds. They will be on display in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Sunday evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and be prepared to sin.

Pot luck supper will follow Thursday’s program. Prayer and medication to follow.

Please place your offering in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Next week the Presbyterians will host the Methodists for an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members as well as to the deterioration of some older ones.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. Please invite all your friends to attend this tragedy.

Announcement: Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married in the church on October 24. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in memory of his wife.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The ladies group “Moms Who Care” has been canceled. Therefore there will be no Moms Who Care this week.

We wonder. Are such blunders intentional? Are the church bulletin writers simply not able to resist? No matter, it cannot be denied that the added pleasure that these unforeseen delights create on a Sunday morning may make the effort of getting to church worthwhile.

And who doesn’t revel when human error blurts out something as wonderfully sassy as this (and note I do not say rise up).

Wise up, oh men of God! Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t much care about you.

In closing, I share one last blooper. It comes from Pastor Jorgenson’s unveiling of the church’s new fund raising slogan. It pretty much sums up the whole botched shebang.

“I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours!”

Peggy Keener of Austin is the author of two books: “Potato In A Rice Bowl” and “Wondahful Mammaries.” Peggy Keener invites readers to share their memories with her by emailing maggiemamm16@gmail.com. Memories shared with Keener may be shared or referenced in subsequent editions of “Full Circle.”