The Wide Angle: Vote for the purrfect president

Published 7:01 am Sunday, July 31, 2016

I’m of the opinion that cats secretly rule the world, which is why I’m dedicating this week’s column to getting our cat Buster elected for president of the United States behind the hashtag #MyCatBuster4Prez.

It’s a solid choice in these days of corrupt politicians and questionable moral standards. The animal is a master at achieving his goals that really are better for us all.

I shall begin with his negotiating skills which are really spectacular and trace back to when we first adopted him from the Mower County Humane Society.

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Two consecutive weekends we went to the MCHS looking for that perfect cat. We wanted a lap cat. An animal that would want to spend time with us, hang out, purr contently and welcome any kind of attention we lavished on it.

On our second weekend, not really finding a cat that set are lofty expectations, we started to leave. Janeen, for some random reason or another knelt and suddenly, there he was; up on her knees demanding attention.

It was cute if I may say and we got along splendidly. We then went to one of the rooms where we spent a good amount of time with the big boy. He climbed in my lap, rubbed his face on mine and pretty much won the negotiation. Not long after he was investigating the house, slowly making it his own.

Granted, Buster changed soon after, revealing his true self. He still hangs out with us, will sleep with us and he likes his claws as well and play time usually leaves us with scratches and cuts. Not serious, but still, he left his mark. Literally.

He shows a fascinating talent of playing the part of good cat when needed and wanted and then playing hardball when it calls for it.

Which translates into getting others to buy into his plans for the day. The simplest example is when he jumps on the couch with us. After mashing his blanket down, he will do generally two to three tight turns and flop. I’ll be honest here, I’ll just curl up with him because he’s a cat and furry. So almost every time it works.

But his most sly maneuvering is when he wants to play.

First, some context. Since getting him about a year and a half ago, we have bought Buster literally more toys than a cat should have and that’s not included the tunnel system we bought him that takes up about a fifth of the living room which he just adores, attacking us on a whim. More on that later.

Of all of them though his favorite toy is a shoestring. A literal, fresh out of the shoe shoestring. He loves it more than everything else which is saying something in that it’s the same basic concept we paid money for in the form of two string-on-a-pole thing.

What’s more, he’s figured out how to get us to play with him. He huddles near the toy and claws the carpet until we gripe at him to stop. Which his answer is to look at us, look at the string and back to us again. He keeps this up until we play with him and darn it all if it doesn’t work every single time.

So we know that he’s shrewd in getting his platforms and agenda passed. This could easily work with taxes.

Finally, he’s a militaristic genius. He knows how to position his forces — himself — for lightning strikes that we are unprepared for. His forward operating base is the aforementioned tunnel system. It’s impossible to tell where he is within the system and it’s much worse if you don’t know where in the house he is.

Often times he’s simply patrolling. Making sure Pawranasaurus Rex is visible, Buster will prowl the house, checking his defenses: The front door, the big picture window and the windows upstairs in case there are an enemy incursions by the bunnies or sparrows.

But if military action is needed, he bides his time in the tunnel system waiting for one of us to walk by before striking and then retreating after swatting our calves and ankles. It’s a brilliant strategy.

So with all the talk of making America great again, emails, servers, walls, “you suck,” “no you suck more,” “Well you’re a butthead,” remember. There is one candidate who cares about you, fights for you and wants you to play with his string.

Buster. Buster for president. A vote for Buster is a vote for protecting your borders from bunnies.

And honestly … can you do worse this year?