A round of town complaints

Published 8:21 am Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Everybody has a story to tell. Usually a complaint, too.

The other day in church a fellow told me about an experience he had delivering mail near Hollandale.

He got stuck in deep snow near a driveway.

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He exited his van and trudged to the rear hatch, opened the door and retrieved a shovel and grit before returning to the front wheels and shoveling around the tires and dropping grit for traction.

When he finished, he returned to the rear door to put away his shovel and grit. Lo and behold, there were 2 miniature goats in the van staring back at him.

I know what you’re thinking: They were illegal miniature goats, hitching a ride to the nearest packing plant to look for jobs eating grass around the front gate, when spring arrives.

Shame on you.

The mail carrier shooed the goats away and they scampered off, probably thinking he was an ICE agent.

Good grief! Even miniature goats should know: The Postal Service doesn’t allow mail carriers to give rides.

A friend told me bureaucrats dominate the Austin City Council; Former (an current) public employees, like a police captain, community college dean, grant-writer and corrections officer, who sure as sugar don’t want government to shrink or it might affect their pocketbooks.

Another friend told me she thinks wind turbines may not be the answer to America’s oil dependence after all.

Still another friend – not a farmer – wondered if America’s ethanol subsidies were necessary.

All told stories to back up their claims.

And with all those Washington politicians doing foolish things and getting arrested or leaving office in disgrace, another acquaintance suggested felons should be allowed to vote. “They may know politicians better than anyone,” he said.

Still another friend hit closer to home: Austin’s east side.

He lives there and every summer he has to put up with the odor from a nearby hog wash down the street from Jim’s Super Valu. “There are nights when I can’t even sit outside on my deck because the smell is so bad,” he said. “Don’t ask me about that pallet company.”

I always thought city planning that allowed the hog wash and the pallet company in a residential neighborhood was suspect.

Maybe the city needs to spray Fabreze instead of mosquito insecticide?

A coffee-drinker listened to me complain about the latest winter storm and reminded me, “Cold is a relative thing.”

The amateur weatherman then argued in an e-mail:

When it’s 65, Arizonans turn on the heat.

People in Minnesota plant gardens.

When it’s 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Minnesota sunbathe.

When it’s 50, Italian and English cars won’t start.

People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

When it’s 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.

People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

When it’s 35, New York landlords turn up the heat.

People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

When it’s 20, people in Miami suffer frostbite on the beach.

Minnesotans close the windows.

When it gets down to 0, Californians fly to Mexico.

People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

When it gets 10 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates.

Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

When it gets 20 below zero:

Congress in Washington DC runs out of hot air.

People in Minnesota let dogs sleep indoors.

When it gets 30 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Minnesotans get upset because they can’t start snowmobiles.

When it gets minus 40, life stops everywhere except the land of 10,000 lakes.

People in Minnesota start saying…”Cold enough for ya?”

When it gets to minus-50

Hell freezes over.

Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.

There’s a 67-year-old man, who celebrated a birthday recently. He wishes to remain anonymous, but asked me to thank the people who sent greetings.

He even got a call from a retired Mower County employee wintering at Weslaco, Texas, The cruel man said he was sitting on his deck, wearing shorts and enjoying the sunshine.

This anonymous man told he was grateful for the attention and is plotting to get even somehow.