Flood provided rules for life

Published 10:43 am Thursday, October 14, 2010

Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go to the bathroom, close the door and let it be. No Activia for me, Jamie Lee Curtis.

When I came out earlier this week, I was inspired. A great joke about a woman getting stuck on a toilet seat her husband had painted while she was gone crossed my mind. And another one about two men in bathroom stalls at the airport. They were hilarious.

Every so often in life, everyone needs a little toilet humor and I was ready to make people laugh with mine.

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Well, when I shared my creations with my son, no less, judging by his reaction, sharing the jokes in a newspaper column was not a good idea.

I gave in and turned to the Bible for inspiration for this week’s column.

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

All you need to know about life came from Noah:

1. Don’t miss the boat.

2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

4. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

5. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

8. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

9. When you’re stressed, float a while.

10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

11. No matter the storm, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

To that list, I would only add that if you’re taking woodpeckers aboard a wooden ark, be sure they’re fed before you cast off.

Enough already. I’ve got to lock myself in the bathroom for some serious thinking. The general election is less than three weeks away and people say they want to know Swami Bonorden’s predictions to help them decide how to vote.

Until then, hold on to your sanity. The TV commercials will end soon, the debates will grow quiet, and you’ll be on your own in the voting booth.

Stay focused. Take the banana test:

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals: A lion, a chimp, a giraffe and a squirrel.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully …

Try to answer within 30 seconds. Ready, set, GO.

Got your answer?

If your answer is:

Lion, you’re dull.

Chimpanzee, you’re dense.

Giraffe, your batteries need changing.

Squirrel, you’re hopeless.

A coconut tree doesn’t have bananas.

I wonder how many candidates for public office failed this test?