The ‘red and blue’ system

Published 7:42 am Tuesday, June 22, 2010

“I played longstop in Little League.”

“Don’t you mean shortstop?”

“No, I was tall for my age.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors — both named Bruce —who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Some people claim that nothing surprises them. Everything surprises me.

A Starbucks illiterate

I am a Starbucks illiterate. I stopped at a Starbucks to get a cup of tea. It was a busy place and a number of people were ahead of me in line.

“Iced single venti, seven pump peppermint, caramel sauce top and bottom, light ice, no whip, mocha.”

What?

“Quad split-shot grande in a venti cup, one pump mocha, one pump cinnamon dolce, non-fat, with whip and mocha drizzle, Americano misto.”

Huh? They could have been speaking Chinese.

Don’t ask

In Sheyenne, N.D., there is a business called “Wild Things Taxidermy.” There is nothing unusual about that. What makes this business a bit out of the ordinary is that it has a lunch counter in it. It’s separated from the taxidermy enterprise by a wall.

The name of the restaurant is The Spicy Road-Kill Café. Supply your own punch line here.

Café chronicles

I was in a small town café in Nevada. On the board listing specials was, “MNX.”

I asked the friendly waitress what that meant.

She told me that it was ham and eggs.

Handkerchief in hand

Rick Holbrook of Fargo told me that he carries two handkerchiefs. One is red and the other is blue. He uses the red one for his nose and the blue one for his eyeglasses.

The expert

Dave Hartley of Fort Collins, Colo., is a horticulturist. His specialty is the poinsettia. He told me that he might be an expert on that particular plant, but his definition of an expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

Banana bread

My mother visited me when I was a college student. She looked at a bunch of browning bananas on my table and told me to put the bananas in the refrigerator to make banana bread. That was a great suggestion. I love banana bread. I put the bananas in the refrigerator but they never made any bread.

Moseying around

I was wandering around a small town in Indiana. I moseyed past a beauty shop. A sign on the door read, “Men must enter by the side door.” That piqued my curiosity. I investigated and discovered that there was no side door.

Call him 433

Jim Mallman of Marine on St. Croix told me that he wanted to get a vanity license plate with his name on it, but his name was too long to fit on the plate. So he changed his name to MW 433.

Meeting adjourned

The gift of a listening ear is an incredible kindness.