Here’s a new list of resolutions

Published 6:33 am Thursday, January 7, 2010

The New Year is here. Is it twenty ten or two thousand ten?

It’s a time for soul searching, goal setting and forecasting the future.

Me? I’ll admit there’s room for improvement.

I’m still compiling my list of resolutions.

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

10. Read less. With my vision that’s a sure thing.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. That happens every winter.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. I miss bike riding but my recliner sure is comfortable.

7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. I’ve become a fan of Law & Order reruns, watch FOX news for laughs and enjoy those South Park cartoons but worry my close personal relationship with the remote control could become an obsession.

6. Procrastinate more. I’ll think about that.

5. Drink. Drink some more. At this stage of my life a Samuel Adams Boston Lager and a bag of pretzels gets me through the night.

4. Start being superstitious. The other day I looked in the mirror and thought it was cracked, only to discover new wrinkles overnight.

3. Spend more time at the Senior Center. That’s not necessary, I live at Pickett Place.

2. Stop eating at home: I should eat out more. The only problem is when dining alone; I have to pick up my own tab.

1.Take up a new habit. Let’s see: snowboarding, bungee jumping, sword swallowing or bingo. Every Monday night at Pickett Place there’s a game.

This weekly column can use some improvement, readers say. They are particularly concerned about those lame-o jokes I share.

To that criticism, I say, when a Lutheran, do as Lutherans do. Have you heard this before?

You Might Be a Lutheran If…

…you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.

…when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.

…during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.

…during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday.

…you think Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.

…a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.

…you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.

…the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.

…your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.

…in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.

…you think a meeting isn’t legitimate unless it’s at least three hours long.

…you make change in the offering plate for a $10.

…the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.

…Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.

…you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.

…your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk…

…someone asks you after church if there’s any “decaf coffee” and you laugh because you know that if it doesn’t have caffeine, it can’t be coffee!

…you think anyone who says “casserole” instead of “hotdish” is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)

So my list of New Year’s resolutions is a work in progress. Let’s see, I left out: no more Fire Chief Dan Wilson jokes. No more Candyland jokes. No more being Rude to the Austin Police Department. No more County Commissioner jokes until after the filing period closes. No more poking fun at the Austin Daily Herald, which we all know is the world’s greatest daily newspaper. (I had to say that.)

P.S. For far too long I’ve failed to acknowledge the first edition Lincoln copper pennies that Glen leaves for me at the Herald offices. They are much appreciated and go into my grandson Zeke’s bank. Well, most of them.