They can scoop their own poop

Published 10:17 am Thursday, October 29, 2009

Life doesn’t need to be so complicated.

It doesn’t have to be a mental maze of decisions; a multiple-choice test at every turn.

Straight lines are the quickest and surest way to solutions.

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Take Samuel Johnson for an example.

Let’s be fair and call him “Ernest” in his efforts to pursue immigration reform.

He schedules a rally, notifies the media, invites friends and people show up at the appointed time. There’s shouting, arguments break out. Maybe even a food fight, police intervene, Mace is deployed, and people are arrested.

The rally ends and it becomes a front-page newspaper story complete with pictures.

Has immigration been reformed? No. Has a plan to have both sides sit down face-to-face and discuss the issues been accepted? No. Has the festering dilemma been made worse? Yes.

Shouting at each other drowns out any ability to hear legitimate grievances.

Solution: Give Mr. Johnson a job. Put him to work at the toughest job there is in a meatpacking plant. Let him experience the hard labor and environment that today only immigrants seem willing to perform.

That way, we might avoid public food fights in downtown Austin, and the smell of mace in the air.

The Austin School Board Election next month is an interesting challenge for voters.

Just how objective can one be in over seeing the extremely important work of delivering a quality education to children and teenagers if the candidates for public office carry with them extra baggage?

Solution: Make all the Austin School Board candidates take a polygraph test before they can run for office.

Ask them uncomfortable, but pertinent questions such as: “Are you running for office to get rid of or to protect Kurt Rude, the embattled police officer serving on the board and awaiting a trial on felony drug charges?”

Ask them, “Would you allow the district’s finance director to live outside the district, while endorsing a referendum that will raise taxes?”

Make them sweat and come clean before putting their names on the ballot.

The Mower County Humane Society says it can’t find homes for its growing number of rescued pit bulls.

Imagine that?

Why wouldn’t grandma want a pit bull to keep her company in a High Rise apartment?

Why not have a frisky pit bull scampering around the nursing home daring residents to pet them?

Pit bulls have been made into villainous victims by irresponsible owners. They don’t deserve the ignominious fate thrust upon the breed.

Solution: Stage pit bull dog owners fights. Put the owners in a ring and let them go at each other.

Let the dogs watch how foolish and cruel humans can be and make them scoop their own poop.