As much as I have enjoyed taking my sons to father-son events and as much as my wife has enjoyed taking her daughter to mother-daughter events, I propose they be at least alternated with father-daughter and mother-son events.

Monday, November 13, 2000

As much as I have enjoyed taking my sons to father-son events and as much as my wife has enjoyed taking her daughter to mother-daughter events, I propose they be at least alternated with father-daughter and mother-son events. We are missing something crucial if we don’t understand the dynamics of those relationships. Start with father-daughter. The femininity of a girl is more dependent upon the masculinity of her father than it is on the femininity of her mother.

I suppose it was in primitive times when females counted for little and a father needed sons to succeed them in the tribe that this disjunction began. With fathers caring only for sons, it was left to mothers to care for daughters. But the primitive myth has persisted into the modern world and even into these post-modern days. There is that sentimental, sappy "Tea for Two," which puts it: " a girl for you, a boy for me." Girls are "for" fathers as well as mothers, and boys are "for" mothers as well as fathers. He is our son and she is our daughter.

This fact of human nature came to me in my doctoral research in the impact of gender roles upon child development. I found this concept emerge from three widely separated empirical studies, but it is my expression of them to put it: The femininity of a girl is more dependent upon the masculinity of her father than it is on the femininity of her mother.

I choked at this, because it seemed ridiculously contrary to simple observation. I recall the time her mother was in the hospital to give birth to a second boy that I dressed our daughter for church. Even as we approached the church door, all the women knew mother wasn’t at home. No mother would ever dress a girl that way.

I’m not talking about how a girl looks, but how she feels. How she feels about herself. I came to realize this by my experience with our daughter. (And I do mean "our" daughter.) Several days within a couple of weeks I returned home to find her dressed up and sitting on the living room couch with her skirt spread out and her hands folded in her lap. Even then I knew enough to fuss over her, and I was so richly rewarded. After several such occasions, I asked my wife about this strange thing, because I knew she didn’t play in those clothes. She said, "I was wondering when you would notice."

As I could have presumed, Mother had spent some time helping daughter dress for Daddy. "Do I look pretty? Will Daddy like me?" Here is what I learned: While it is of course the mother who teaches the daughter how to be a lady, it takes her father for the girl to experience the joy of being a lady. It is when the man in her life says "you’re pretty" that she will come to have the nerve to present herself to a boy and then the confidence to present herself to a young man.

Now, if parents don’t want their daughters to be feminine in any traditional sense, such concepts will spoil that. This isn’t for you. So, too, if you think a woman is a woman and there is no such thing as lady. But if a father wants to encourage his daughter to become femininely a lady, this is how.

Fathers, trust your wives to teach your daughter femininity. Then you take over and let her feel the thrill of being feminine. When you escort her down the aisle to meet that nervous young man, you will know she will be a genuine wife to a man who can love her in a way you never could.

Wallace Alcorn’s column appears Mondays