I want to take this opportunity to thank John Solomon for filling in for me last week while I was away on special assignment.

Thursday, July 20, 2000

I want to take this opportunity to thank John Solomon for filling in for me last week while I was away on special assignment.

It was not the heat. Nor was it the humidity. It was the flood that distracted me.

As soon as I learned there was a flood coming to Austin, I activated our own Fast Action Response Team.

The first concern was, of course, the Pigs in the City and protecting the 400-pound concrete behemoths from harm’s way.

Unfortunately, they would not give me any sandbags for this purpose.

The mayor of Austin is going to pay for that.

When I heard my favorite fellows, the Mower County Board of Commissioners were flood victims, I made plans to move them to higher ground.

This occurred, when an irate township official told me, "The County Commissioners are all wet."

He was speaking figuratively, of course.

There’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned flood to take your mind off other things in life.

For instance, the wife of a prominent Austin businessman dared me to write about her husband’s plans to have the imprint of her lips tattooed where the sun don’t shine on his body.

I kid you not.

She was supposed to put on lipstick and make a smooch on a piece of paper, which would become the pattern for a tattoo.

Sorry, lady. This columnist does not stoop so low as to write about such frivolous subjects. Every effort is done to maintain the high standards of sophisticated journalism readers have come to expect.

By the way, I saw the prominent Austin businessman at the Rose Creek Fun Days firemen’s water fights and wouldn’t you know it, he told me he got the tattoo of his wife’s lips on his heiny.

Another dare I did accept was to investigate stories circulating about mistakes in advertisements. As the stories go, the owners of the new Traders Exchange bar in downtown Austin were surprised to see the "s" moved in their name in an ad, which read "Trade sexchange."

The other one – and I caution small children and older readers with heart conditions to turn to the comics immediately – involved a real estate ad in which the word "deck" was misspelled.

Every paper in town and the advertising shoppers, too, deny, having anything to do with these mistakes. So this is a matter, as the police say when they haven’t got a clue, still under investigation.

Speaking of prostitution … I have it on good authority that the recent flood in Austin was not one of the illegal activities spawned from the appearances of prostitutes in the city.

If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, flooding is Austin’s oldest aggravation, but prostitution and flooding are not linked.

Here’s an idea to avoid … the abundance of roofing crews in Austin is one indication of just how bad that hailstorm was earlier this year.

Do not … repeat … do not try to cut corners when having a roof reshingled.

Red Rose, Inc. of Zebulon, North Carolina, is advertising "Rescue 9-1-1 Aerosol Instant Roof Patch." Their ads say "Spray it on, walk away. You’re done. No more leaks."

Call Kiker Bros., the Hill boys or Mister Roofing himself, Charlie Bina and get it done right.

The reason I’ve been maintaining a low profile is I got in trouble with the Holstein Lady.

When I inadvertently avoided her at the Johnsburg Jamboree and failed for the third consecutive year to be drug onto the dance floor and humiliated in public, trying to polka, she got mad.

I was minding my business at last Sunday’s Hayfield Hey Days parade, scrambling for Tootsie Rolls at curbside, when a lovely vision in black and white marched right over to me and scolded me for skipping out early at the Johnsburg Jamboree.

There’s nothing more dangerous than an angry Holstein Lady.

This week, it’s the LeRoy SummerFest with Brat Daze at Stacyville, Iowa coming soon and the Waltham Brat and Corn Feed in August as well as the Laura Ingalls Wilder Festival at Spring Valley, Harvest Festival at Hollandale and, of course, Roman Landherr’s Allis Chalmers show and Harlan Boe’s threshing show.

Did I mention the Mower County Fair, too?