The efforts of the Mower County long-range strategic planning committee were noble.

Tuesday, February 01, 2000

The efforts of the Mower County long-range strategic planning committee were noble.

Appointed by the Mower County Board of Commissioners, the volunteers examined five critical areas of life with a fine-tooth comb.

They took hard looks at youth and family, land use planning and economic development, elderly, infrastructure and public health and safety.

When they were finished, they reported their findings to the Mower County Board at a public meeting held Jan.18.

There, the volunteers spelled out exactly what needs doing in Mower County.

They told the county commissioners everything.

Not quite.

There were several recommendations which didn’t make the final cut, that have been leaked to me by an anonymous source, who closely resembles – I’m not telling.

Here’s a baker’s dozen to consider:

No. 13: Bullet trains throughout the city of Austin to get grandma to the bingo parlor on time.

No. 12: Appoint children the heads of dysfunctional families with complete authority. If parents can’t raise their children, let children raise themselves.

No. 11: A new senior citizens court similar to Teen Court, where old people can settle face-to-face disputes if they can remember what they were arguing about in the first place.

No. 10: A covered skyway between the Mower County Department of Human Services and Jerry’s Other Place and Johnny’s Main Event restaurants. Those fine DHS public servants must be protected against the elements when taking a break outside the building.

No. 9: Hefty fines for anyone’s grandmother or grandfather who cannot sit higher than the steering wheel in any car; therefore lending the appearance the vehicle is moving down the street without a driver.

No. 8: Domes for all population centers who don’t have their own municipal sewage treatments systems and one for Austin which does. (Warning: attending baseball games at Marcusen Park on hot, humid summer nights can be hazardous to your health.)

No. 7: A jail in every township with a large picture window to allow victims to see the criminals. Perhaps, a little public humiliation will do for crime fighting what the criminal justice system cannot always do.

No. 6: Wire each county commissioner’s chair to the seats in the audience, so that taxpayers can immediately register their approval or disapproval of the commissioners’ decisions. Put them on the hot seat literally.

No. 5: Planned communities for all people named Kiefer, Stier and Mullenbach. No. Wait! We already have them. They’re called Taopi, Grand Meadow and Adams.

No. 4: Clothe private parts of each head of livestock with diapers and solve the manure management problem once and for all.

No. 3: Move the Austin City Hall to the hub of government and other activity in the city: 18th Avenue Northwest.

No. 2: Every township and municipality, incorporated or not, outside the Austin city limits secedes from Mower County and goes their own way.

No. 1: Keep $10 million of the Mower County reserves and redistribute the rest to every citizen in Mower County in the form of County Board Bucks redeemable only at the courthouse at tax time.

Lee Bonorden’s column appears Thursdays