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Do you consider yourself a logophile, a linguaphile or even a lexiphile?  I think I might be one.  You see, it’s all about loving words.  Goofy words, serious words, lovely words, deadly words.  They’re all a joy and a possible heartbreak.  Imagine the number of compositions that can be created from using only the twenty-six letters in our English alphabet.  The possibilities are astonishingly endless, limitless and indeterminable. A world without end.

Recently I ran across a list of 18 English words that for whatever reason have been forgotten.  We’ll never know why, but just for the heck of it, let’s now revive them.

1. Twirlblast.  This word describes itself.  Can you feel the whirl and then the pow?  Yes, it’s an early word for tornado.  But, honestly, doesn’t twirlblast say it better?  Plain old tornado is so lifelessly boring whereas the sound and the look of twirlblast provides us with the panic, the velocity, the feel of those devilish winds to say nothing of the blast! For Pete’s sake!  I vote for twirlblast any old day.

2. Chork.  Love this!  It’s the squishy-pop walking sound that our shoes make when they are full of water.  I‘m pretty certain this is also the sound my bottom makes when I plunk down on a cement bench in my wet swimming suit.

   3. Interrobang. Another name for the lazy way we write a punctuation mark that is a mixture of a question mark and an exclamation mark.  But wait!  Do I do that?  Can’t remember the last time I put a question mark over an exclamation mark.  My laptop can’t even do that.  Nonetheless, it is a real word.  Maybe we should get rid of it once and for all.  It’s just an irritation.

4. Groaning-cheese.  OMG!  You’re going to love this.  This weirdo word refers to the Medieval belief that a woman in the throes of child birthing labor can find relief if she eats some cheese.  Who makes this stuff up?  But then I suppose it might work.  There were a whole mess of kids born in Medieval times who were named “Velveeta.”

5. Uglyography.  Most physicians suffer from this.  Poor unreadable handwriting.

6. Ultracrepidarian.  Such a great word.  It describes a person who doesn’t have the foggiest notion of what they’re talking about, but never holds back on giving his uninformed opinions.  I often find myself doing this … especially when I’m discussing brain surgery.  Oh, yes, I also do it when writing columns for the Austin Herald.

7. Trumpery.  Dear me. We must be very, very careful with this one.  Without naming names, I will tell you that trumpery is when something looks nice … really nice … like a ring from a Crackerjack box, but on further inspection is worthless.  It is an old Medieval English saying (kinda like Velveeta).  Let it be known that this word was not invented with any thoughts of our current politicians.

8. Throttlebottom.  Don’t look now, but I think that’s what my mom used to do to me when I was particularly annoying.   The truth is, however, that it perfectly describes a dishonest public official.  Down through the ages we Americans have had an abundance of throttlebottoms.  They tend to live in Washington, D.C. and we vote for them.

9. Empurple.  Prince did this.  He made lots of things purple … the rain, for example.  Empurple is just what it says.  Making things purple.  Like—you should put some raw steak on your empurpled eye.  Or—you look charming  in that empurpled frock.

10.  Pilgarlik. At any retirement community you’ll find lots of pilgarliked folks.  They’re all men who have little or no hair on their heads.  Apparently in the 16th century, logopholists thought that men’s bald heads looked like peeled garlic and thus called them that.  Personally, I think that’s a bit rude.   Wasn’t their fault. For all we know they could have been survivors of a twirlblast that screeched all their hairs off.

11. Crapulence.  Now, hold on.  Don’t go guessing what this word means.  It has nothing to do with you-know-what, but rather describes how a person feels after a wild night of imbibing.  He/she wakes up the next morning with crapulence, or a hangover.  I think that I’ve experienced a degree of crapulence three times in my life.  It occurred after the birth of each one of my children.  It had nothing to do with the testy birth process. It was all that cheese.

12.  Callipygian.  I want this!  You want this!  We all want this! An attractive backside.  Nice buttocks.  You can get surgery for this, you know.  It’s called a butt lift.  People born with flat bottoms especially qualify. It is also for those whose bottoms have begun to droop into a downward slump.  But wouldn’t you know it’s not those low slung folks who seek out the lift.  It’s the folks who already have a plumped-up prime-looking rump.  Some people are just never satisfied … or grateful.    

13.   Swullocking.  Humid weather. Fug. The feeling you get on an August day in Minnesota when you step out of the shower only to discovver there are no towels.  Oh, and you only have three minutes to dress and get to that very important date where you’re meeting your future in-laws for the first time.  You have just experienced swullocking.

14. Snollygoster.  Now this is the best word ever.  Ever!  It really says it all.  Although it has the ring of a sinus infection, it is not.  Once again we return to Washington, D.C.  Tarnation!  There are countless snollygosters there. (It means an unprincipled politician. And I remind you again, these are the very folks we vote for.) It comes from the 19th century and was used to describe a mythical beast who preyed upon little kids and poultry as well as haunting the halls within our nation’s capital. Children and chickens and Congress? Bizarre.

15.  Nibling.  It has nothing to do with eating although we all nibble from time to time … or occasionally forage from morning to night.  No, this has to do with gender labeling.  It’s a term used for nieces and nephews, much like “siblings” or “cousins”. It’s when you curiously ask a stranger how many niblings he has.  He can reply that it’s none of your business or politely recount how many kinfolk are in his family.

16.  Chasmophile.  Now, this word is just dumb.  It describes a person who loves nooks and crannies.  Nobody loves to squeeze themselves into nooks and crannies. Especially if they’re pudgy nibblers. Cross this one off the list.

17.  Scurryfunge.  Ladies in particular do this especially before company arrives.  You know it well … the frantic spurt where a housewife hysterically cleans before her mother-in-law arrives. I thought the word “dusting” was the wild scramble we did.  Gosh, all this time I’ve been scurryfunging and didn’t even know it.

18.  Widdershins.  I know, I know.  It sounds like the lower leg bones of a widow (you know, old Widder Brown), but it’s not.  It means counter-clockwise.  Like a backwards clock.  Seems to me there’s a lot of widdershinning while square dancing.  Either that or I’m a bad dancer.

So, there you have it.  And now you’re free to forget everything I just told you.