Annie Lane: Is there hope with my ex-husband?

Published 5:23 pm Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to a man for 17 years. But not long after the marriage, he stopped being a husband.

At first, we would talk, laugh and have fun. We would do things together, go places and, most of all, we would make love all the time. It’s been 10 years since we have had sex.

When we did try, he couldn’t fulfill. All he does now is pick fights. He blames me for things and does what he wants. He stays in the bedroom all the time. He yells when I ask for help with something.

He tells me I’m the crazy one. He makes me so mad that I hit him in the pocket and spend money. I know that’s not the right thing to do. But I do it.

I ask him if he loves me and wants to stay in our marriage. He says yes, that he still loves me and wants our marriage to work.

However, when his best friend was alive, he would do everything for him, including giving him money. That was because his friend did not want to work. He lived in the mountains at our place until he died.

After that, things got worse. My husband, who I will call “Steve,” bought a cabin in the mountains for his best friend’s son.

He did this while telling me that we have no money to go away on a trip together.

You should know that I have kids from a previous marriage, and my ex-husband and I helped with some of their college expenses. My current husband, Steve, complained about that, yet at the same time, he is eager to give money to his dead friend’s son.

So, do you think this is a marriage or just a convenience? Should I leave and quit wasting time? Please help.

— Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife: You do not have a spending problem. You have a husband with much bigger problems. Don’t let them continue to be your problems. At the same time, getting his side of the story will require marriage counseling, and you both can find out for sure whether the two of you can change to make it a happy marriage.

• • •

Dear Annie: I met a really good guy online, and we fell in love through talking and texting before we ever met. Once we met, it was electrical. But we moved in together way too soon. My daughter and her family didn’t like him and continuously tried driving a wedge between us.

One day, he had enough and said it was over. It was really hard. I miss him every day. He moved out, but I live in his home. He comes home every other weekend to see me. And to check on the house. He tells me he likes spending time with me, and we talk for hours on the phone and when he is here. A four-hour phone conversation is nothing to us.

The problem is he is dating another woman. She knows about me and our friendship but doesn’t like it. I don’t think she is good for him, but he doesn’t see it. I still love him very much, and I know he loves me. He told me he compares other women to me all the time and it’s not fair to them.

I just don’t know what to do. Should I not be here when he wants to talk or see me? Or do I continue to be here for him and hope that one day he’ll realize we are meant to be?

— Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: In order to fully heal, you have to detox from him for at least two months. That means don’t see him at all and don’t have any contact with him. If you two are meant to be, you will be, but allowing him to see other women when it hurts you like it does is not fair to you at all. It’s time for you to find happiness and joy with someone who only wants you.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to