Annie Lane: Couple is worlds apart before tying the knot

Published 6:30 am Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Dear Annie: My fiancee and I have been together for six years, and I am having a hard time understanding where I fit in her life. She claims to love me, but lately, her actions just don’t say that. She puts everyone ahead of me. Last Christmas, we went to her mom’s on the other side of the country and her mom told her she had to introduce me as her friend.

She still has contact with her ex-husband, who, after we got together, asked her to send him inappropriate pictures of herself. She contacts him when she gets drunk, about every six months. Then she lies about it, even when I catch her talking to him.

Her daughter who is 30 just had her fourth child, and my fiancee devotes time and money to her. Her daughter makes more money than both of us. We spent over $250 on a baby shower for her daughter and only about $50 on my son and his wife when they were expecting their first child.

Email newsletter signup

I just feel like I am being used and taken advantage of. We bought a car together last summer, and she put it solely in her name. Every time I ask if we can get my name on the title, she says, “Sure, you pay for it.” I think we should go halves like we did paying for the car.

— Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused: Actions speak louder than words, and it sounds like she is being selfish and entitled. But it is up to you to stick up for yourself and say that you are not going to give half the money if she doesn’t put the car in your name. As far as how much money was spent on her daughter versus your son, try not to count pennies. It’s about the celebration of the baby and the love that is present, not the amount of money spent on the celebration.

I suggest you both go to counseling before you tie the knot. Best of luck to you.

• • •

Dear Annie: The information you gave regarding the National Domestic Abuse Hotline is wonderful. In addition, I’d like to encourage Trapped, or any other woman (or man or child!), to reach out to their primary care provider. We are usually aware of our local women’s shelters and can move women and children immediately — often from our office and out a back door if needed — to a safe place. Trapped can make an appointment with her provider for an annual checkup. If he insists on going into the exam room, after the nurse does blood pressure, etc., she can ask to use the bathroom and slip a prewritten note to the nurse or leave the note in the bathroom. That should prompt the provider to make her husband leave the exam room. Unfortunately, I’ve had to do this too often in my practice.

— Nurse Practitioner

Who’s Been There

Dear Nurse Practitioner: Thank you for your letter. Reaching out to your primary care provider is a wonderful suggestion for those suffering domestic abuse.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to