There is an e-mail making the rounds which never fails to make me chuckle.  Additionally it forces me to think of what’s happening right now—the changing of the year.

Yes, the old being made new once again.  New Years, you know, is no time to be goofing off as it should cause us to sort out stale ideas, examine old perspectives and possibly make some readjustments.  More than anything a dollop of deep thought could possibly scramble up what we believe to be undeniable truths.  More than anything, that is what this e-mail is all about.

A nun at a parochial elementary school took this kind of thinking to heart when she began to question the impact her teachings were having on her students.  Just how effective were those Biblical lessons on her third graders, anyway, and did they really understand them?  In the end there was only one way to find out—ask them!

Not by a long shot was the dedicated sister prepared for the students’ quirky interpretations of her discourses. Indeed, their replies nearly threw the planets, of which she had always solidly believed, out of alignment. I now share them with you .. and as I am unable to hold back … along with a few additional comments of my own.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. (Yee Haw!!)

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.  (It wasn’t bread.  It was lefse.)

The Egyptians were all drowned in a dessert. (Not an easy thing to do.)  Afterwards, Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.  (See. Your mother always told you that too many desserts were bad for you!)

The first commandment was when Adam and Eve were made out of an apple tree.  Then Eve told Adam to eat a particularly delicious looking apple.  (Wasn’t her fault.  It was a Honey Crisp, for Pete’s sake.)

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.  (Hands down the most favorite and oft-used of all Biblical directives EVER !)

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  There Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.  (Which proves that the Canadian health care system is not all that it’s cracked up to be.)

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua tells his son to stand still and he obeys him. (Reckon junior saw what Dad did to Jericho when it didn’t stand still.)

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  (But, boy, oh, boy, could those Finkelsteins ever play the liar!)

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (So much for the wisdom of Solomon.)

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.  (This was followed by “I Believe In Miracles.”)

When the Three Wise Guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.  (It was a 24-hour McDonalds in Baltimore.)

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you.  He also explained that man doth not live by sweat alone.  (Especially if he’s working that manager’s midnight shift in Baltimore.)

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.  (My sainted mom, mother of four in four years, would have killed for one of those.)

The people who followed the Lord were called the Twelve Decibels. (Even today congregations know them as the handbell choir.)

The Epistels were the wives of the Aposties.  (Makes perfect sense to me.)

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.  (He later switched to driving Ubers because it paid more shekels.)

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  There he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.  (Just another example of why perfectly contented celibate priests should not cavort to Presbyterianism.)

Christians have only one spouse.  This is called monotony.  (See!  It’s what you’ve always heard.  Blonds … and cavorting former Catholics … have more fun.)

Maybe, just maybe, those children have it right.  And what the World of 2019 may need more than anything is their uncanny insight.  Heck, I for one, would not want to admit to adultery with an Apostie named Finkelstein who owned 700 porcupines, touted a bread recipe with no ingredients, cavorted to Christianity where he preached monotonous holy acrimony and did not live by sweat alone just because his mother once had an immaculate contraption while working the midnight shift at a Baltimore McDonalds which resulted in the Finkelsteins having unsympathetic genitals.  See what I mean?