Full Circle: Unfair Fair fare galore

Published 1:41 pm Saturday, August 19, 2017

Come on! Did you really think I could read about the new menu for the upcoming Minnesota State Fair and not comment on it? Why, it absolutely begs for, pleads for, beseeches for my remarks!

Quite honestly, is there anyone besides me who would pay to be a fly on the stall walls of the State Fair test kitchens? For crying out loud, do they have no limits? Is nothing too much for them? Too outlandish? Too artery clogging? Thank goodness we fair goers put our health in such jeopardy only once a year.

But, truthfully, how many of you allow your sound mental capabilities to fly off the Tilt-A- Whirl when you’re confronted with these delectable aberrations? Admit it. They’re a powerful draw when you’re in such a vulnerable crazed mind set. Weak! That’s what we are.

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Without question, we would all agree that the Minnesota State Fair could not exist

were it not for bacon and chocolate. Without them we’d be left with only blue plate church food specials. To prove my point, take a look at what’s been contrived to titillate our palates this August:

• Bacon Fluggermutter – a grilled cinnamon sandwich with bacon, peanut butter and a marshmallow cream filling. (As of late, cinnamon has been determined to be good for you. I suggest you eat two Fluggermutters. For your health, of course!)

• Bacon Up Pup – a bacon batter Belgian waffle dipped in chocolate, drizzled with maple syrup, topped with whipped cream and bacon, and served on a stick. (Guaranteed to bring on fits of apoplexy among Weight Watchers, to say nothing of the brothers Mayo rising up from the dead.)

• Bowl O Dough – four scoops of raw cookie dough in four different flavors: brownie batter swirl, gluten free chocolate chip cookie, European cookie butter, and lemon ricotta cheese cake with blueberries. (Aside from their extraordinary lack of imagination, we must be grateful that the raw chocolate chip cookie dough is gluten free. Otherwise it might be bad for our health!)

Can’t you just hear your mother exclaiming—as you swipe your finger inside her mixing bowl: “Do NOT eat raw cookie dough! It’s not good for you!”

Mom, where are you now that we need you?

• Duck Bacon Wontons – duck bacon (is it not enough that pigs have to sacrifice their rumps for us, but now the ducks, too?), grilled sweet corn mixed with cream cheese packed in a deep-fried crescent shaped wonton and served with dipping sauce.

(What? No whale blubber in the dipping sauce? Just think, if they started making sheep bacon wontons, how convenient and practical it would be to use sheep dip for the dipping sauce? Should I suggest it?)

• Memphis Totchos – sliced bananas with sauteed bacon over tater tots, topped with peanut sauce. (They tried adding chittlins to this, but the tater tots refused to be upstaged. Personally I was disappointed there were no chunks of beef tallow in the peanut sauce.)

• Everybody’s soon to be favorite – Double Dose of Pork Belly. This treat is guaranteed to be a 100 percent ground pork belly burger (Well, thank the good Lord for that!), topped with more crispy smoked ground pork belly, pepper jack cheese, coleslaw, pickled onions and served on a toasted bun. (You’ll have no problem finding this food vendor. Simply look for the row of lined up ambulances)

Minnesota Public Radio recently reported on a great upsurge in the sale of pork belly commodities.

Wonder why?

While it is true that we are more than the sum of our parts, I predict that with the fair coming to town our parts will soon be way more than us. Therefore, as you take a contemplative bite of your Double Dose of Pork Belly sandwich, remember to use prudent judgment. But, then again, what better place to park your reasoning power than at the ticket booth of the Minnesota State Fair?

Do you remember many decades ago when your folks took you to the State Fair? I certainly do. Afterward, I returned home to Austin and boasted to the neighborhood kids how I was now not only a sophisticated gourmet, but also worldly beyond imagination for I had consumed that glamorously exotic Minnesota state fair food. Corn dog on a stick!