Be assertive, not passive when addressing bullying

Published 4:55 pm Saturday, November 19, 2011

QUESTION: Does trying to ignore verbal bullying make my kids look like victims?

ANSWER:  You will empathize with the grandmother who called about her middle school granddaughter, a good student, quite grown up and a kind person.  She is being verbally bullied by another girl in her grade.  The latest was a 24 hour church retreat.  The granddaughter chose to shower before she went and when she returned home.  The other girl waited until the entire group of kids was together to say, “Ohhhhhhhhh ick, Jenny Kay didn’t shower.  How gross!”  Jenny Kay wept when she recounted the episode to her grandmother.  Jenny Kay has worked at being kind to this girl and has tried to ignore her mean spirited comments. The question is: what else can she do?

One suggestion is to do some role-playing between Jenny Kay and her grandmother. Obviously what’s happening is bullying.  The other kids don’t stand up to the bully on Jenny Kay’s behalf because they are just relieved that they aren’t being the girl’s cruel target themselves. It’s time for assertiveness practice for Jenny Kay — which is not an easy task, of course.  It’s hard for adults to pull it off.  Still, what’s needed is a straight forward counter-block — with class, of course.

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Head up, eyes wide with surprise. “The look” is to give the message: “I’m so surprised! What an obviously absurd statement!”

The power is in the direct look at the bully and words to the effect of “How silly, Samantha.  I was squeaky clean when I got here and I’ll enjoy a private shower when I get home.”

The final actions for Jenny Kay are a slight smile, a shrug of the shoulders and turning her attention to someone else.

The need is to help Jenny Kay think of the ways and places this other girl verbally attacks her and/or others and practice possible responses and the actual delivery of them.

It will be really helpful for Jenny Kay to act the part of the bully and for grandmother to act the part of Jenny Kay, and then switch the roles.  The most important thing is that the response is “surprise” that the girl would think such a thing and say such a thing — and then the direct look, response and smile/shrug.  The attitude is that this girl has gotten herself into a bad habit, and others expect her to drop it.

If you would like to talk about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Linea de Apoyo at 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599.  Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org