QUESTION: My kids can be unkind and irresponsible and I’m sure they know better. What’s wrong?

ANSWER: Kids, as well as adults, often have a higher stage of moral reasoning than moral behavior.

In other words, we have mentally learned a moral concept and can probably verbalize it, but we don’t apply it to our day-to-day actions. Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg differentiates between vertical moral development (knowing) and horizontal moral development (behaving).

Kids can be in a particular moral stage for several years, practicing and maturing. Adults in a family, and older siblings, can help children use their best available reasoning to deal with real-life problems.

Unfortunately, most of us experience “moral stage mix,” using different stages of moral development in different situations, regressing when we are threatened or fatigued.

We help kids keep moving through the stages of moral reasoning and behaving when we:

• Respect our kids and require respect in return

• Teach by example

• Teach by telling

• Ask our kids to think about someone else’s point of view

• Provide the opportunity for our kids to take on real responsibilities

• Balance independence with limit-setting

• Affirm and enjoy our kids.

Conflicts in families are inevitable, and a certain amount of conflict is even healthy for kids’ development, since it can prepare them to handle the inevitable conflict they will encounter outside the home.

What is most important is a close family. A close family gives kids positive people to identify with, positive examples to learn from, values and traditions to uphold, and a support system to turn to in times of need.

Close families make time to be together for meals, for work and for play. Strong families promote each other’s well being and make the family their top priority.

Take some time to think about the people in your family circle and your circle of friends. Who are the ones who are generous, dependable, thoughtful and helpful?

First, tell them you appreciate them. Second, talk about them regularly with your kids. Just describe what you see and what you feel.

We develop our self-image and values by identifying with our families and the friends our families choose. The more we identify with kind and responsible people, the kinder and more responsible we become, no matter what age we are.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org.