Shopping for old complaints

Published 3:49 pm Tuesday, June 29, 2010

“My dog is smarter than I am.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He barks all night. I don’t know what he’s barking at, but he does.”

My good deed

I was waiting in line in a grocery store. It was the express lane at its busiest. I let an uncomfortable man go ahead of me in line. He paid for his only purchase, toilet paper, and rushed from the store.

From the family files

My granddaughter Everly is two years old. The beautiful blonde was born into a baseball and softball family, so she has spent a great amount of her young life attending ballgames. She learned early to say, “Good eye!” She hasn’t perfected the right time to say it. Someone on the local team takes a called third strike and Everly yells, “Good eye!”

Things I have learned

1. To never underestimate another person.

2. The roughest road looks smooth from a distance.

3. There is always someone who would trade places with you.

From here to Timbuktu

Roger Dahl of Albert Lea asked me if I knew where Timbuktu was. When I was a boy, my mother would look “from here to Timbuktu” for me. I didn’t know where Timbuktu was. Roger did. Timbuktu is a city located on the edge of the Sahara Desert and near the Niger River in central Mali in western Africa. I can’t believe my mother looked that far for me while I was playing ball at the neighbor’s.

Cell phone chronicles

Anyone who judges you by the kind of cell phone you have is not worth knowing. I’ve acquired a new cell phone. It offers more sports scores than anything. I like sports, but I think the world was a better place before ESPN took it over. The new phone does incredible things that will enhance my existence. Why, in an emergency, the cell phone could be used as toilet paper.

An epiphany

Have you ever sat down to watch TV and wondered who it is that watches such rubbish and then it dawned on you that you are the one who watches such rubbish.

It almost makes sense

Ginger Fonza of Hartland told me that my Uncle Bill Batt of Burt wore a winter coat in the summer. He reasoned that the winter coat kept the heat from getting at him.

Nature notes

A mosey isn’t complete unless I stick my nose near a flower. One of my favorites is the blossom of the common milkweed. I find the scent invigorating. Monarch butterfly caterpillars feed upon the milkweed. Milkweed seeds have wispy, white hairs called “floss.” Opened seedpods are distributed by the wind. During World War II, students gathered milkweed floss. Because of its buoyancy, the armed forces used it in the manufacture of life preservers for servicemen. Stopping to smell a milkweed is a simple pleasure in a glorious world.

A man goes shopping

I’m not much of a shopper. That doesn’t bother me. Sometimes what bothers me are the things that don’t bother me.

I purchased a replacement item for one that had worn out after many years of faithful service. The price was much higher than what I’d paid for its predecessor. I wanted to say, “I remember when that cost a fraction of that amount.”

I didn’t. Salesclerks don’t need the aggravation. I tried but couldn’t be silent.

“How do you handle people who complain about current prices compared to the low prices of the good old days?” I asked.

He smiled and said, “I act surprised and tell them they didn’t look old enough to remember those days.”

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I showed her an old radio that I planned on repairing one day.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “If you’re keeping it because you’re going to fix it one day, trust me, you won’t fix it.”

Meeting adjourned

Say nice things. There is an echo.