I was relaxing the other day, waiting for the clock to move closer to beer-thirty and quitting time, when I decided to check out the Austin Daily Herald’s new Web cam coverage of the construction of the Mower County Jail and Justice Center project.

Mower County taxpayers are paying for the new jail and justice center, in part, with this year’s property taxes, so I wanted to see what they/we are paying for.

Unfortunately, it was raining that day, so I didn’t see anything taxpayers were paying for.

Another Web cam site visitor — I guess that’s what they call people, who don’t read the paper anymore and avoid visiting downtown Austin, because of the traffic congestion, when the school buses are racing across town twice a day — said there was an advertisement on the bottom of the Web cam’s 24/7 image and when accessed, it brought up a 12-story high-rise apartment complex in the nightclub, theater and art gallery district of downtown Austin, Texas.

It’s easy to see how one could confuse downtown Austin, Minn. for downtown Austin, Texas.

We have three square city blocks of empty space, where businesses once stood and now a new jail and justice center is being built.

I bet they have the same in Texas.

When you consider the North Main Street block of decaying debris from the Jan. 15 business district fire, you can understand how Austin, Texas may be thinking of making Austin, Minn. a “sister city” because of all the similarities.

Whomever dare criticize the Herald’s new Web cam service just doesn’t understand how desperate the times are for print media.

Newspapers are in trouble. Readership is down. Advertising revenues are declining, and newspapers are getting smaller.

A Web cam pointed at a construction site is just one way of attracting people to read the newspaper. I don’t know exactly how that works, but they tell me it does.

Public radio likes to boast they are attracting more subscribers, because newspaper readers want less opinionated news reporting. The nerve of those pubic radio people, who think they know everything.

I’d like to help the Herald through this financial crisis.

As that darn newsroom clock moves ever-so-slowly each afternoon, I’ve been spending time thinking outside the box and came up with a few good ideas to raise revenue: Have readers pay for the news in the paper.

Think about that before going to the Web cam.

Tired of reading about boring things like government, education and business?

Print the news you want on the front page for a fee.

Imagine the surprise when someone picks up the paper to read “Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.”

Or “Man finds Jesus hiding in trunk of car after trip to Tijuana.”

Or adopt the Chart Your Course words to live by for a fee.

Surprise readers with sage advice: “Follow your dreams except that one where you’re naked in church.”

Tired of advertisements that just don’t grab your attention? Write your own for a fee.

How about a “Welcome to Sargeant!” ad? “Time to set your watch back 20 years.”

Or invest a few dollars in a headline that makes a statement: Austin City Council passes another resolution promising to look into downtown fire debris cleanup.”

Or, “Construction halted on new jail and justice center after Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.”

Just think of the fun you will have by buying an item in the police report.

Take this one for example: It read: “Subject cited and released for DWI, open bottle, no Minnesota’s driver’s license and no proof of insurance in the 100 block of Second Avenue Northeast.”

“Just another example of a justice system run amok,” you say. “What do you have to do to spend a night in jail?” you wonder.

I say substitute your preacher’s name for “Subject” and you’ve got yourself a Police Report for the ages.

Pranksters would love buying a fake birth announcement: four sons, born May 12, to (Your boss’ name here) and (Church organist’s name here).

Think of the surprise you’ll generate with a for-pay In Memoriam like this: With all the sadness and trauma going on the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important and much beloved person, whose death occurred a year ago today. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at the age of 93.

Family members and fans will remember the awful day at the funeral home when they put his right foot in and then the trouble started.

If you’re like me, you will positively howl with laughter when your brother-in-law starts getting calls about the house for sale ad in the paper listing his own.

The possibilities for paying for news and advertising and keeping a newspaper alive are endless.

Call today.

Newspapers have bills to pay, too.

Now, I’m going back to the Web cam.

There are people breaking big rocks into small rocks.

It’s just like jails of old, only these guys are making $30 million and get coffee breaks.