So, the Austin fire chief has received a written reprimand from his employer, the City of Austin.

That’s scary.

A written reprimand is like scolding Bernie Maddof for fooling around with investors’ billions.

“Don’t do that again, Bernie, or you’re grounded.”

That’s like sending a warning letter to Paris Hilton, asking her to avoid promiscuity.

A little late for that ain’t it?

That’s like slapping the wrist of George W. Bush for starting another war.

Do you even remember any of your eight years in office, Mr. President?

A letter of reprimand doesn’t cut it.

It’s like being sent to the principal’s office: Just say you’re sorry. The sun will rise again.

What are they going to do? Put the written reprimand in the fire chief’s permanent record along with chewing gum in class?

What were they thinking?

The written reprimand begins with a “Please be advised.”

You don’t say “please” when you’re punishing someone. A judge doesn’t say “Please go to prison for armed robbery, sir.”

Nosirree.

The city’s written reprimand chastises the public official for not being polite, for being argumentative, for failing to stay calm, cool and collected.

That describes the behavior of outraged citizens at a Mower County Truth in Taxation hearing.

People are laughing about this. The way citizens are talking suggests a missed opportunity.

Something just doesn’t feel right about this written reprimand thing.

I’ve got a few of those in my personnel file at the Austin Daily Herald. I haven’t always been polite. I’ve been argumentative. I’ve failed to stay calm, cool and collected.

I thought only James Bond could do that.

This whole written reprimand business has opened a Pandora’s box of other warning letters.

According to my sources, here are just a few:

Dear Mower County Attorney:

Didn’t Pat Flanagan leave you a memo about Jim Hartson, when he left office and we gave the County Attorney’s job to you? That Hartson fella has been a distraction ever since he showed up at a county board meeting asking embarrassing questions. Find a statute that will shut him up and let us get on with our business.

Sincerely,

Mower County Board of Commissioners

P.S. Thanks for finding that Minnesota statute that will protect us from having to give back the pay raises we gave ourselves and the other elected officials. Send a copy of that statute to Gov. Pawlenty the next time he suggests elected officials should avoid pay increases to help solve the state’s budget crisis.

Dear Mower County Coordinator:

Please refrain from seconding our motions at county board meetings. People already call you the “sixth commissioner” and if they think you are seconding a motion, it will only reinforce their thinking.

Sincerely,

Mower County Board of Commissioners

P.S. Consider that permission we gave you to approve change orders on the jail and justice center project your Christmas bonus this year.

Dear State Legislators:

Soon you will be asked to vote on legalizing medicinal marijuana. Please, when you do vote on the proposal don’t respond by saying “Far Out, Man.” It will be a dead giveaway that you have been experimenting with marijuana for other than medicinal purposes.

Sincerely,

Baby Boomers For Legalizing Medicinal Marijuana

When I was growing up, the Lone Ranger was a hero. It wasn’t until later in life I learned Tonto was the brains of the operation:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemosabe, look toward sky; what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo, Mr. Tight Pants. Someone stole tent.”