St. Valentine’s Day approaches and romance is in the air. Or is that a new product at Hormel?

There are people out there who need help, and they have come to the right place.

The love doctor is in.

Dear Love Doctor: My wife says she has gained 10 pounds this winter. What should I do? — Lonely in Lyle.

Dear Lonely: You can lie and tell her it does not influence your affectionate feelings for her or man up and invite her to go to the gym with you and tell her 10 pounds is a conservative estimate. — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: My husband passed away a year ago and just the other day I met the most sensitive, caring man in the world. How can I tell if he is for real? — Timid in Taopi.

Dear Timid: A “sensitive, caring man” is either a myth, an oxymoron or a moron. Drop him before you get hurt. — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: I met a man at the annual lutefisk supper last fall at Little Cedar Lutheran Church. Later we had coffee at Bubbles, started dating and it went no where. He just wasn’t right for me. Then, I met the love of my life at the Legion. Now, I want to break off the relationship with my lutefisk lover. What do I tell him? — Antsy in Adams.

Dear Antsy: You can tell him “I hope we can be friends” or change your telephone message to “Welcome to Dumpsville? Population YOU!” — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: All we seem to do anymore is argue. The thrill is gone in our marriage, and I want a divorce. The only thing is I’m afraid of meeting new dates once I’m out of this mess. What advice do you have? — Gambling in Grand Meadow.

Dear Gambling: Above all else remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Just ask your married friends. — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: Valentine’s Day is coming soon. What should I get the wife? — Dumbfounded in Dexter.

Dear Dumbfounded: I would recommend WD-40 and duct tape. They are the only tools anyone needs in life. If it should move and doesn’t, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor:

My 90-year-old grandfather, a widower, who still drives a car, wants to start dating again. The other day he got out of a speeding ticket by telling the officer he had to go fast to get to where he was going before he forgot where he was going. Is he too old to date? — Losing It in Lansing.

Dear Losing: Take the keys away from Grandpa NOW! — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: I want to do something special for the wife on Valentine’s Day. I plan to take her for a ride on my snowmobile and head into the woods, where we will build a fire and share a little wine. Do you have any wine recommendations for a romantic evening under the stars? — Bombed in Brownsdale.

Dear Bombed: Take it from Larry the Cable Guy, these work the best: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc, 9. White Trashfindel; 8. Big Red Gulp; 7. World Championship Riesling; 6. NASCARbernet; 5. Chef Boyardeaux; 4. Peanut Noir; 3. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar; 2. Grape Expectations; and 1. Nasti Spumante. — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: For the last six Valentine’s Days, my husband has been missing in action. What am I going to do? — Worried in Waltham.

Dear Worried: Have you thought of putting his picture on beer cans? — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: I may be old, but I’m not ready to give up romance. At the nursing home, we don’t get much privacy, the missus and me. When we are alone, my wife doesn’t respond when I whisper sweet things in her ear. What am I doing wrong? — Not So Lucky in LeRoy.

Dear Not So: Have you tried shouting dirty to her? — L.D.

Dear Love Doctor: It’s getting near the end of your Thursday column, and you haven’t shared a joke yet. What gives? — Stymied in Sargeant.

Dear Stymied: Thank you for asking.

I didn’t know how to end this column. (WARNING: The following is funny, but may not be suitable for all readers. Read at your own risk. Bertha Bluenose, registered censor)

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen.

He mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Moral of the story: Men never learn. — L.D.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!