One column filled with resolutions

Published 10:48 am Thursday, January 8, 2009

New Year’s resolutions … so many to make, so many to break.

Where to begin?

I will never call a county commissioner a cranky commissioner. Elected officials have feelings, too.

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I will never ask the Austin school board to increase the salaries of administrators.


I will never sneak up behind an Austin City Council member and yell “Liar, liar. Pants on fire. There’s nobody at the fire station tonight to put it out.”

I think they get the message.

I will never again giggle aloud at a newspaper editorial meeting when the publisher is discussing possible personnel changes.

Raised eyebrows, deep sighs and a slow sideways shake of the head will continue, but only on a discretionary basis.

I will never again imitate Elvis Presley singing “Blue Suede Shoes” at family Christmas gatherings.

Never did sound like him, and it only makes people laugh hysterically. Particularly the grandchildren.

I will never again tell a man coming out of the bathroom “Your zipper is down,” even if it is.

It will save answering the embarrassing question, “What are you doing staring there anyway?”

I will increase my tips at the Tender Maid. They do move fast, the food is good and they deserve it.

I will never check for change in a pay phone if there is still one out there.

I will still search through the cushions on the davenport after company leaves.

I will never again say the county sheriff looks better in a dress than the police chief.

It might have been funny when she was elected county sheriff, but now it’s just stupid.

I will never again crack a joke in mixed company about a squirrel and its nuts.

David Letterman gets away with it on his TV show, but it’s wearing thin on the streets.

I will never again call the county coordinator the “sixth county commissioner.”

On some days he could move up a notch or two or slip to the “Also Ran” category.

I will never again make a wisecrack about how since PJ’s closed at Adams it’s the first time they’ve had more churches than bars in the town.

Them Adams folks are a sensitive lot, who don’t like being picked on.

I will never again reprint an Ole and Sven joke in this column … after today.

Sven and Ole are walking down a street in Minneapolis, when they see a sign on a store that reads, “Suits $5 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.”

Sven says to his pal, “Looky here. We could buy a whole gob of dese, take ’em back to Duluth, sell ’em to our friends and make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay?

Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I’ll try not to sound like we’re from Minnesota.”

They go in and Sven says with his best Wisconsin accent, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and …”

The owner of the store says “You’re from Minnesota, ain’t you?”

“Well … yeah,” says a surprised Sven. “How’d you know dat!”

“Because, this is a dry cleaners!”

I will never again say dumb things aloud in public. Like the time I suggested to the gynecologist he should have a sign that read “At your cervix.”

The women in the waiting room giggled.

I will never again back into a proctologist’s office.

I don’t have to explain that one.

I will never again poke fun at blondes.

But tell me, when blondes have more fun, do they know it?

I will stop making predictions that scare people. Like, Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

I will withdraw my application to become a Presbyterian just because I discovered if you rearrange the letters it spells “Best in prayer.”

What does “Lutheran” spell?

I will never again try to fill an entire column with New Year’s resolutions.