You can imagine the excitement created by a recent headline “County pays bills.”

The ramifications of that headline were felt everywhere.

Many people were worried the county wasn’t paying its bills, and this put those worries to rest.

It’s a busy world and not everyone has time to stop and read a newspaper. Instead, they scan the headlines for the important news of the day.

Whoever saw that headline “County pays bills” must have come away from the experience feeling enlightened. If somebody stopped them and asked, “What’s happening in the world today,” they could have responded “I read in the newspaper where the county paid its bills.”

When the family gathered around the dinner table that night for supper, the head of the household could have announced to all, “I read in the newspaper the county pays its bills.”

Can’t top that for 50 cents worth of news.

My personal favorite headline in recent editions was the one that announced to the world “County hires new mechanic.”

Afghanistan, Iraq, $700 billion bailout, Sarah Palin, all of those stories paled in comparison to hiring a new mechanic.

I’ve taken a lot of ribbing for both headlines because my byline was atop each story, but, truth be told, I don’t write the headlines. Nosirree.

The editors do.

I make enough mistakes of my own than to be responsible for wacky headlines.

But the Austin Daily Herald isn’t the only place to find them.

I’ve been getting quite a few calls from bank presidents, financial advisors and investment bankers concerned about the credit crisis. They all want to know, “Big Lee! Is this the end of the world?”

Let me say this about that.

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

I visited my personal investment counselor the other night at the jail.

In exchange for a carton of smokes, he gave me these investment tips for the rest of 2008:

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some big bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join

forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants

A reader says he has an idea on how to save the city money in these tough times: Quit painting the yellow stripes marking parking spaces.

No one pays any attention to them anyway and the police ignore them, according to a citizen.

“We  can save the cost of the paint and the labor,” this taxpayer claims.

There … my work is done here.

Now, it’s back to searching for wacky headlines.