Echoes from the

Loafer’s Club

“Are those vultures circling overhead?”

“They are.”

“Well, then there is only one thing for us to do.”

“What’s that?”

“One of us needs to move a little.”

“You move. I moved the last time.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors–both named Bruce—who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: When someone says, “There are two sides to every argument,” they have already rejected yours.

A report from the field

A friend finished combining his soybeans on the first day of October. This upset him, because he thought that September had 31 days and he wanted to complete the work in September.

Thirty days hath September, April, June and November; February has twenty eight alone, All the rest have 31, except in Leap Year, that’s the time, When February’s days are twenty-nine.

Peregrination

I was stumbling through the Memphis Airport when I encountered the Elvis store. A sign said, “Get in touch with your inner Elvis.” It inspired me. I bought my wife a MoonPie—a snack food favorite of the South. A MoonPie is a hockey puck-sized pastry consisting of two round graham cracker cookies sandwiching a marshmallow filling, dipped in chocolate, vanilla, strawberry or banana flavoring. I’m sure my inner Elvis was proud of me.

The rules of dining

Neal Batt told me that a good table rule is that everyone should keep at least one foot on the floor (if they can reach it) during a meal.

This reminded me of a lesson taught to me by a friend from Florida. She told me to hold both hands in the “OK” position. The left hand will present a “b” and the right hand will portray a “d.” This serves as a reminder that the bread (“b”) goes to the left of the plate and the drink (“d”) goes to the right.

With a banjo on my knee

I talked to a man in Alabama who told me that his family makes at least one trip a year and sometimes two specifically to visit the Megamall. The Mall of America opened in 1992. I’ve been there once. I bought a pair of socks to fill my suitcase.

The times they are

a-changing

I attended a fancy wedding recently. Most of them are elaborate these days. The nuptials were followed by a reception that had real plates. It gave me cause to recall my wedding. My wife and I didn’t send out wedding invitations. We put up flyers.

Cell phone follies

I have a cell phone. If a car worked as often as a cell phone does, no one would be driving. I am on the “every other word” plan.

It’s cheap, but the folks on the other end hear only every other word. I have fooled the cell phone company and their insidious plans to drive me insane. I only vocalize every other word.

From those thrilling days of yesteryear

I put a map on the wall of my boyhood bedroom. I pushed tacks into every place I’d visited. Because the tacks were congregated in southern Minnesota and northern Iowa, my map fell to the floor due to lack of travel.

Things you may not know

More than 15 percent of Americans secretly bite their toenails.

Nature notes

The state bird of Minnesota is the common loon, the state butterfly is the monarch, the walleye is the state fish, the morel is the state mushroom, the red (or Norway) pine is the state tree, the state gemstone is the agate and the state flower is the pink and white lady slipper.

There is more. The state drink is milk. The state fruit is the Honeycrisp apple. The state grain is wild rice and the state muffin is the blueberry. An official state muffin may strike you as odd, but Arizona has a state necktie—the bola (bolo).

The multicolored Asian lady beetle looks similar to other lady beetles but is generally larger. It varies from orange to yellow to red and typically has 19 black spots (although some have fewer and some have none) which can vary in appearance from well-defined to faint stains on its wing covers.

The most reliable identifying characteristic is the black M-shaped marking behind its head.

The first frost of autumn occurs six months after the first thunderstorm in the spring.

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day.

The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk.

I told her that I’d attended a seminar where I was told to keep an eye out for suspicious activity, but I wasn’t sure what constitutes suspicious activity.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “All activity is suspicious if viewed by a suspicious eye.”

Meeting adjourned

Kindness is contagious. Be kind.