Echoes from the loafers club

“I am exhausted.”

“I hope you will be ready for the Annual Running of the Multi-colored Asian Lady Beetles in Hartland. Why are you so worn out?”

“I’ve been walking since I was nine months old.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors—both named Bruce—who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: Are miniature marshmallows for those people who are unable to eat a full-sized one?

When the seasons converge

I watched a boy wearing a shirt with Joe Mauer’s name on the back as he played with a football on an outdoor basketball court.

Superstitions

My mother-in-law, Lorraine Nelson, says that if you stumble over something like an uneven sidewalk, you need to walk back over the area again to prevent having bad luck.

In the cartoon bubble over my head

The caller told me that a dead squirrel had crawled into his attic. Not a live squirrel, a dead one.

I tried to be sympathetic, but it was difficult with visions of a zombie squirrel crawling around in my brain.

Overheard at the cafe

“I don’t often take the time to eat, so when I do, I have to take a lot of time to eat.”

I’ve been told

Pastor Al Tveite told me that his neighbors used to place a fish aquarium in front of their small TV in the hopes of providing magnification for the picture.

Stupid

I was in a grocery store. I was waiting in line to pay for my meager purchases. The cashier was smiling and upbeat—a credit to her profession.

“Well, I’ll bet it’s fun shopping with Grandpa,” she bubbled.

“Actually, it’s dad,” came the reply from the older man with three small girls.

Oops!

Later, I checked into a hotel

“Have a nice stay,” said the pleasant desk clerk.

“Thanks,” I replied. “You, too.”

A comedian used to do a routine based on the premise that stupid people should carry a sign so others would be warned. Each one of us would be carrying a sign. If we have a mouth, we are stupid, because sooner than later, something stupid is going to come out of every mouth.

Five things you may not know

1. More billionaires are Virgos than any other sign. 2. Fewer billionaires are Sagittarians than any other sign. 3. The Twins were shut out 14 times in 2007. The New York Yankees were held scoreless on Aug. 2, 1931 and were not shut out again until Aug. 3, 1933—a span of 308 games. 4. Fifty-five percent of Americans identify themselves as morning persons and 60 say they are night owls. 5. Eighty-four percent of women say they’d never date a man who picks his nose.

You know what I miss?

The guy who pumped the gas at the service station. As the gas flowed, he would give a weather report, highlight the community calendar, give a restaurant review or two and tell a joke. All this while cleaning my windshield. I miss that guy.

You know you’re having a bad day when

The jerk trying to pass you is the trailer you were pulling.

Nature notes

The “Birdman of Alcatraz” never kept birds at Alcatraz.

A book and a popular film described the exploits of Robert Stroud, an inmate at Alcatraz Prison, who taught himself ornithology and became an authority on bird diseases. Stroud, a convicted murderer, was permitted to keep birds when he was at Leavenworth Prison, but was denied the privilege when he was transferred to Alcatraz which, ironically, is a Spanish name for a pelican-like bird.

Folklore says that the first trackable snowfall will occur six weeks after the appearance of the first snowbird—the dark-eyed junco.

The Song of Solomon says, “The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.”

The Biblical reference to the “voice of the turtle” recognizes the call of the dove heralding the arrival of spring.

The mourning dove is often called a turtle dove. The European turtle dove had been known by the name “turtur” which imitated the bird’s call. The name was changed in the 1500s to “turtul.”

From the mailbag

Rodney Hatle writes, “Uffda is one of your dinner guests using the lefse for a napkin.”

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day.

The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I asked the Holstein why they name hurricanes, but not tornadoes.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “They should just give tornadoes a number. If one blows your house away, you’ll come up with a name for it.”

Meeting adjourned

Try being kind to unkind people; they probably need it most.