Let’s hang out at the Barrow Show
Published 10:25 am Thursday, September 4, 2008
The mail bag is getting full, so it’s time to answer some letters.
Dear Four-Eyes: What do you think of them SOBs at Adams?
— B.B. in Taopi
Email newsletter signup
Dear B.B.: Thank you for your letter. Your printing has improved and your choice of Crayon colors was spectacular.
As far as those SOBs in Adams go, they have invited me to join. Already the usual suspects — Weasel, St. Thomas, Pitzen, Booger and Schaefer — have signed up. I still have to fill out my application and I need references.
I am a little concerned about their choice of costumes at their meetings. Wearing a see-through plastic bag over the head doesn’t seem to offer much identity protection.
The membership fee is within reach, and I think I can learn their secret handshake with practice.
Who knows? Someday I may be an honest to goodness Son of Baloney, too.
Dear Scoop: Those political predikshuns of yours made for funny readin.
I’ll say this for you: You can spell purdy good.
As far as the predikshuns go, you’re full of hooey, and I’m not talking about any brudder of Dewey and Louie.
Everybody knows Tony Bennett will stop the song and dance in Austin City Hall.
— The Boys in the Card Room.
Dear Boys: You could be right.
Who knows: Tony may be crooning “Happy Days Are Here Again,” instead of singing the blues in November.
Dear Snoopy: Help me. I’m boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are selling the company.
Drop your beer off at my house and I will dispose of it.
— Porky in Lyle
Dear Porky: It’s good to hear from someone thinking outside the box or six-pack as it is.
Dear Crime-Fighter: I was arrested for making an obscene phone call, but they wouldn’t allow me to make my one phone call. What gives?
Irate in Lansing.
Dear Irate: Probably too much heavy breathing.
Dear Sinner: Do you know what the Bible stands for.
It stands for “Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”
You should read it sometime.
— Goody Twoshoes in Grand Meadow
Dear Goody: I take the Bible with me everywhere I go. I just hope it’s fire-proof.
Dear Pundit: The other day I was driving to Austin to shop at Wal-Mart and help the Chinese get richer, when I came upon a septic tank truck with a sign reading “Caution — This Truck is full of Political Promises.”
Do you have one of those trucks for your Thursday columns?
—Earnest in Elkton.
Dear Earnest: No, but Austin’s waste treatment plant is opening the Bonorden Wing next week.
Dear Blue Eyes:
Eleanor Roosevelt had a rose named after her, but got mad when she read a description in a book, saying, “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
How about you?
— Still waiting for your call in Renova
Dear Still Waiting:
This has got to stop.
The phone calls, the e-mails, the cards, the letters. All of it.
Stalking is a crime.
I’ve given up hot women and cold beer.
P.S. Wanna hang out at the Barrow Show?
Dear Citizen: Mark Twain once said “If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.”
— New Subscriber in Adams Township
Dear New: Let me get back to you on that. I didn’t get my paper last night. L.B.
Dear Hot Stuff: Do you have a library card? Cuz I’d like to check you out.
— Still waiting in Renova
Dear Still Waiting:
I can’t believe I’m even responding to your foolishness.
It’s childish and stupid.
Go away. Find somebody on the Internet. Get a pet. Get lost.
P.S.I can’t find my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into a cheap motel room.