Echoes from the loafer’s club

“I’d better get home and explain things to my wife.”

“What things?”

“I won’t know until I get home.”

Driving by the Bruces

I have two wonderful neighbors-—both named Bruce—who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: It’s easy to pick out the new teachers—they have no grey hairs, no nervous twitches and smiles on their faces.

I forgot to remember

If you walk into a room and can’t remember why, do what I do. I pick up something, acting as if that’s what I had come for, and carry it out of the room.

From those thrilling days of yesteryear

Once upon a time, the majority of the radios were AM only. They worked in the AM and the PM, but they were just AM. Most of the radios had two small triangles marking 640 and 1240 on the AM dial. This indicated CONELRAD, an emergency broadcasting network that provided civil defense information to the public. We felt safe and secure knowing that we could always turn to those stations to listen to see how much time we had left before we were vaporized by the godless commies.

Smoking story

I tried smoking cigarettes when I was a young man. I tried drinking coffee, too. I wasn’t good at either one. I probably shouldn’t have tried doing both at the same time.

I smoked cigarettes because it looked cool when others did it. All the people in the movies puffed on heaters. I tried smoking Raleigh cigarettes. I didn’t smoke them because of their taste. I smoked them because each pack came with a coupon.

I figured that some day, I could redeem the coupons for a program to help me stop smoking.

A traveling man

An organization contacted me and asked me to speak in Winnipeg.

I would love to do so, but I’ll be working in Ecuador at that time. Everything happens at the same time, and it’s difficult to be in two places at once.

There are times when I wish there were two of me.

Then I realize that this old world has treated me fairly, and it doesn’t deserve to be punished.

Wishing upon a star

I saw a falling star. It looked like it had landed on the small town of Manchester.

I made a wish.

I wished that the star hadn’t fallen on Manchester.

The name game

Alice Moon told me that when her son Dolf was a small boy, one of two young girls asked her what his name was. Alice told her that it was Dolf.

“That’s a dumb name,” said one little girl.

Her friend reprimanded her with, “Even if it is a dumb name, you’re not supposed to say so.”

Nature notes

You can tell the difference between millipedes and centipedes by looking at the legs. Millipede legs are short and underneath the body, whereas centipede legs are long and protrude from the sides of their bodies. Millipedes have two pairs of legs per body segment, while centipedes have one pair per segment. Millipedes feed on decaying plant matter, while centipedes are predators that eat insects and other small arthropods.

I was sitting at home watching the blue jays eat some of the abundance of crabapples we have this year when a reader called to ask where the swoop swallows were. I had never heard them called swoop swallows before, but I figured he was referring to the barn swallows swooping down to grab the flying insects that our lawn mowers kick up. It’s a great nickname.

From the mailbag

Sheryl Young writes, “Perhaps your father and my husband are related. My husband insists that we not sign any cards we give each other, including anniversary cards, so we could send them to someone else.  When I pointed out that it would be unlikely we would send a “to my dear wife” card to anyone, he shrugged. One year, we stood at the card rack of the half-price card store and each selected an anniversary card. We exchanged cards, and after reading them, put them back on the rack. It was the most memorable card I had ever (however briefly) received.

Talking to the Holstein

I was talking to the Holstein the other day.

The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I told the Holstein that I sometimes become frustrated when things don’t go right. I have a tendency to blame myself when things go wrong.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “There’s nothing wrong with that as long as when things go wrong, you don’t go with them.”

Meeting adjourned

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.