ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB

“I’ve got to go to the driver’s license department today.”

“I thought you renewed your license a couple of weeks ago.”

“I did, but the photo turned out wonderful. I looked like a movie star. So I have to go back and have it retaken.”

DRIVING BY THE BRUCES

I have two wonderful neighbors —both named Bruce — who live across the road from each other. Whenever I pass their driveways, thoughts occur to me, such as: What a man from Kenyon told me, “I’ve found a way to save money. I have my own blue laws to economize. I don’t spend a dime anywhere on Sundays other than at church. I call it my Sunday savings plan.”

MAKE IT A GOOD DAY

I paid a visit to a friend residing in a nursing home. I asked her how she was doing.

She replied, “I have good days and I have bad days.”

We all are that way. We each have good days and bad days.

A good day is spent with one you love.

This would be a perfect spot for me to interject some of that fleeting wisdom that I have acquired by being married all these many years. Here’s a tip for you young married men.

Guys, take your wife out to a fancy restaurant for your anniversary. I was going to advise taking her to a gas station, but that has become too expensive.

I’ll never forget our fifth anniversary. I called ahead for a reservation. I got a good parking place that way. A nice young waitress came and took our order.

Then I messed it up by rolling my window down too far and the entire tray fell — dumping both the Papa and the Mama Burger on the ground.

THE SCHOOL WAS HIGH AND LONG

The high school that graduated me is now New Richland-Hartland-Ellendale-Geneva-Bath-Otisco-Matawan-Summit-Cooleyville-Berlin-Hope-Trenton-Lemond-Hollandale-Clarks Grove-Vista-Freeborn-Manchester-Beaver Lake-St. Olaf High School. We’re consolidated. You might know it by its abbreviated title, NRHEGBOMSCBHTLHCGVFMBLSO.

IT’S NOT FAIR AT A FAIR

I walk many fairgrounds each summer. I seldom do it without acquiring gum. The sticky stuff affixes itself to the bottom of my shoe so stubbornly that dynamite is required to dislodge it.

That’s why I am in favor of gum control.

PUTTING WORRIES IN

PERSPECTIVE

Let’s say you like lutefisk. It’s your favorite food.

You find yourself at a church lutefisk feed with countless others. Perhaps too many others.

As you stand in line to purchase a ticket, you begin to worry that the function might run out of the tasty treat before you are able to partake of it.

Then an odd thing happens —something even odder than eating lutefisk.

A grizzly bear crashes through the door and eats all of the lutefisk.

Suddenly, you are no longer worried whether there will be enough lutefisk to go around.

If your day doesn’t include a visit from a grizzly bear, you are probably worrying too much.

BOOTH OR TABLE?

When the waitress asked me if I wanted a booth or a table, I answered, “A booth. Thank you.”

I almost always choose a booth. I have a table at home.

IT’S ONLY FAIR

I was enjoying a milk shake at a county fair. It was sinfully good.

It was made by a young man who yelled at a passerby as I enjoyed my treat, “Hey, Grandpa, look how sticky my fingers are.”

He demonstrated the truth of his statement by showing how his fingers stuck together.

“I must have made 50 shakes,” he added.

“Haven’t you washed your hands today?” asked his grandfather.

“No, I’m going to wait until I’m done working.”

NATURE NOTES

An owl cannot move its head in a complete circle. The best it can do is 270 degrees. A great horned owl weighs two to five pounds, with the female being larger than the male. The bird looks much larger than it really is.

The maple bug is another name for our friend, the boxelder bug.

The yellow-billed cuckoo makes a “kuk-kuk-kuk” sound that slows and descends to a “kowlp-kowlp” ending. Some have likened it to a clock winding down. Others have called it the “Three Stooges bird” because it sounds a bit like Curly. It is sometimes called the “rain crow” because its usual silence is broken on cloudy days.

TALKING TO THE HOLSTEIN

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I told her that I had just seen a self-defense demonstration. I wondered if she was a practitioner of martial arts.

The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “I’m into conceptual martial arts. I stand around thinking about everyone I’d like to beat up.”

MEETING ADJOURNED

Words thrown in anger with the intention to pierce the heart can never be fully recalled. Resist the urge to hurl them. Be kind.