Bertha Bluenose is at it again
Published 6:15 am Thursday, June 5, 2008
We’ve got a new employee and she’s making a big impact.
Bertha Bluenose is her name and she’s in charge of quality control in the newsroom.
What a concept. Are they going to expect us to spell all the words correctly, too?
It seems readers and advertisers are getting upset about a few minor mistakes of judgment.
They are not content with quantity; they want quality too.
We’re a newspaper; not a snoozepaper for God’s sake. We want to make reading an adventure.
What dear Bertha is is a censor. Plain and simple.
A watchdog, faultfinder hired to muzzle, silence an suppress the truth.
Well, let’s see if Mrs. Buttinsky is paying attention.
I never thought I would stoop this low, but here is a Viagra joke. Turn the page if you must.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a (Deleted)!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. (Deleted by Bertha Bluenose, censor).
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for woman.
3. (Deleted by Bertha Bluenose, censor.)
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. (Deleted by Bertha Bluenose, censor.)
(Note: The complete list available upon request. Must be 60 years of age or older.)
I am accused of being politically incorrect at times. Imagine that.
Well, here is the definition of “political correctness” for all to remember.
The following is the 2008 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year’s term was “ Political Correctness.”
The winner wrote:
“Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a (expletive deleted) by the clean end.
(There’s Bertha Bluenose again!)
This can’t be offensive. It’s about a kid. Some kids even get the point at only 4 years old.
“I remember the time that Catherine — one of my daughter’s friends, when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents are liberal democrats and were standing there with us and I asked Catherine, “If you were President what would be th first thing you would do?”
Catherine replied, “’I would give houses to all the homeless people.”
“Wow — what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.” I told her, “You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and clean up all the dog (Reader advisory from Bertha Bluenose. Following word could be upsetting…) poop in the back yard and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.”
Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me, and Catherine replied, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog (See cautionary note above before reading further) poop and you can pay him the $5?”
Finally, I’m getting calls and emais. Austin residents are upset.
People take my advice: Mow your lawns. Banks and mortgage companies, too. Renters.
You don’t want the lawn police to ticket you.
You say city officials are currently vacationing in the State of Denial. Maybe. But you can’t blame this lapse in community pride on something or somebody else: It’s your responsibility.
It’s a fact: When your lawn gets six inches or taller it’s got to be mowed. It’s the law.
The city’s hard-working Austin Parks, Recreation and Forestry Department has a gazillion acres of public lands — think of all those flood buyout acres, too — to mow. If they get a call, it’s going to be at least $52.40 or over a hundred bucks more when the private lawn care firm has to do it and bills the city.
Mow now or pay later. You won’t like what you see on your tax bill next Fall if you don’t.
Austin community pride is a full-time, every season job.
Now put that in your pipe and smoke it.
This goes for you, too, Bertha Bluenose.