Ho, hum. Another flood in Austin.

The berms didn’t work as expected.

Some people who didn’t get flooded in 2004 got flooded this time around.

The retention pond where the old Jim’s Super Valu store once stood didn’t retain anything.

Filling in Oakland Avenue Northeast doesn’t make a lot of sense to the good folks at the Salvation Army and the New Vineyard/Old Terp Ballroom after another stint of sandbagging.

If you live near the old Twin Creeks Ranch and the intersection of Mower County CSAH Nos. 28 and 29 and spent a day isolated because of flooding, patience please. My guess there’s another flood study coming.

Perish the thought of common sense or thinking outside the box.

Dredging and widening the waterways are just absurd.

A spillway between the old Austin Eagles Club and the Roosevelt Bridge? Are you out of your mind?

After four years, the sales tax money and all those grants can’t soak up what’s floating around in Austinites’ basements.

Oh, well. We’ve all been down this wet road before and sure as there is gravity, a flood will happen again and Austin will be waiting.

I’d like to set the record straight: Austin city officials and staff were not flood victims. When I said they were “all wet,” I was referring to their thinking on flood matters.

But let’s let bygones be bygones. Why worry? There’s no rain in the forecast today.

As a public service, I aim to make somebody smile or even laugh out loud.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant

who inspected his Marines and told the sergeant that the troops smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The sergeant responded,

“Aye, aye, sir, I’ll see to it immediately.”

He went into the tent and said, “The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it.”

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington but don’t count on things smelling any better.

It’s a lot like the aftermath of the September 2004 flood in Austin.

Still not smiling? Well, try these on for size. You can’t read these and stay in a bad mood:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?

A Stick

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

Sure, they’re old jokes, but they’ve aged well. You’re starting to smile.

I think this one will push you over the brink to, maybe, a chuckle or two:

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.”

“At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.”

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.”

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Feeling better, flood victims? The cleanup work is going easier now, huh? Well, get ready: There’s a FEMA investigator upstairs and the first question he will ask is “Did you suffer any flood damage?”

Resist the temptation to lock him in your moldy, wet basement, that smells an awful like the waste water treatment plant and read this first: It’s about a lawyer:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

All right, if you’re chuckling I’ve achieved my purpose today: Making flood cleanup a little easier.

Need more? Go upstairs and turn on the local government channel and watch a rerun of a city council meeting.

Time to change the subject:

Personal to those Vietnam veterans and you know who you are.

Rolling Thunder was another huge success May 25 in Washington, D.C., according to the Austin vets who went.

It’s for all the veterans, of course, but its made possible by the Vietnam brothers, all baby boomers, who are rapidly becoming the next Greatest Generation after World War II and Korean War vets.

Nothing like the sound of a Harley Davidson bike to stir the soul in a hundred different ways, including remember ‘Nam.

Welcome Home, again!